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Well, to start, I’m at a job that I hate which is weird, coz I usually love my jobs and I love the job itself (bar tending), but I hate the company, environment, and people. It’s super different than what I’m used to (small, close knit family type) and I feel like I don’t fit in at all. My mental health has been in a free fall and suicidal ideation has been on my mind daily for months now and my home life has went from bad to just about unbearable. I do not know what got into my grandmother lately, but she’s gotten downright aggressive and mean (meaner and more aggressive than she used to be) and it’s caused me to think that suicide might actually make her happy instead of make her die like my mom used to say it would - but I’m still gonna try to hold on for better days. This was the worst birthday yet. I realized that despite having 400 friends and family members on Facebook that I felt no true connections to any of them. That I feel no true connection to anyone here. To anything here. That, I’m getting close to graduating and the plan for me transferring to the school I had picked out won’t happen because the county isn’t service dog friendly (figures that out after a 6 day vacation there recently) and I can’t do that in my daily life for years. So, it’s very much like, where do I go from here?
I don’t know what I should do anymore, honestly. Most of me wants to hide away, but I know that won’t solve anything. So, I’m hoping that reaching out will.
Things about me: love dogs, American Sign Language, abnormal psychology, serial killers and mass murders, close combat weapons, horror movies, religions/spirituality, karaoke.
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