It's election night across the US, and we are left with a choice between liberal or conservative, good or bad, single or in a relationship. I am running to be your next democratically elected boyfriend.

As everyone knows, who we vote for is all about appearances the issues.

Here is where I stand on the key issues facing our society today:

The environment - Personal hygiene is important.

Climate change - We'll have great chemistry.  Let's heat this place up.

Surveillance - Don't be creepy, people.

Eminent domain - You'll never take away my man cave.

Gun violence - It's got to be stopped. I've been shot through the heart, and you're to blame.

Nuclear energy - Just don't pronounce it 'nukular', and we'll be good.

National language - Absolutely.  All the people whose first language is sarcasm should learn English immediately, if they're going to be allowed to stay here.

Mandatory minimums - No.  Short people are attractive too.

Don't forget to vote.