sometimes i’ll engage in a form of meditation that some people might find troubling. it’s almost a form of self harm, and on some level that’s true, but it’s also a way to meditate on paib. i dip my fingers in hot candle wax. it’s very painful, consistent, and a perfect way to meditate on controlling my body’s reaction to pain. i resist the urge to react to the pain, and focus on letting it dissolve into sensation. i focus on every part of my body that wants to react, and calm it.

i repeat it many times, meditating on the pain, especially the point where it is too painful and i want to pull my finger out. it’s part of a form of intense self control. processing, accepting, dissolving pain into mere sensation.

i’ve been thinking about it for several years. i want to get to the point where i can detach from pain so much that it is mere sensation, nothing inherently negative. control my pain response. i go to the center of the pain, and find nothing but energy, and try to detach pain from suffering at its source by seeing it’s all a mirage of sorts.