I am typically an anxious person, I overthink action and I overthink thought. I find I get attached to self destructive thoughts and obsesively think them over and over in my mind. I think about loss, death, insecurity, suicide.

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Meditation has really helped to mitigate these obsessive thought patterns. However I noticed recently that often during a day when I am having obsessive thoughts, it occurs to me to stop, be present and be mindful, however rather than acting on that impulse and being mindful, I almost consciously decide to continue to think about the destructive and toxic thought.

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It feels to me like I am indulging in the self destruction and enjoy the pain, I get some kind of strange comfort from it. Anywone relate?