What a cruel way to end college. But do latin honors REALLY matter?

little context about me po: I was once the valedictorian in our hometown, topping both junior and senior years. I graduated with flying colors even in my elementary years. Basically, I was that kid—the smart one everyone talked about. I did everything: joined contests, studied relentlessly, and dedicated my entire life to academics.

But now, in college, I'm struggling with my mental health. SO BAD. Gayunpaman, nagtry ako sumali ng mga organizations (purpose: pampaganda ng resume for work and to somehow, enjoy college life or make connections.) Also, nagtake na rin ako ng civil service exam prof at 19 para makapasok sa isang magandang company as an author. Despite all this, I STILL FEEL LIKE I AM FAILING MY LIFE.

I didn't do well during my first year, but I still made it to the third honors dean's list. People started to think something was wrong with me—that maybe I wasn't as good as everyone thought. They assumed everything had been temporary, that I was just working too hard. But little did they know, I was suffering badly from depression. I suffered immensely during junior and senior high school, striving for that valedictorian title. I fought so hard to keep myself together even as I was falling apart. But I had a purpose. I needed to secure a scholarship to get where I am now. When I think about being in my third year at this prestigious institution, I always look back on the sacrifices I made—how much of myself and my time I gave up for this. I often get teary-eyed when I reflect on it. It was so incredibly hard that I could call myself a rock.

I guess I’m overthinking the future, but I can’t help it. My mind spins with possibilities, what-ifs, and worries. I wish someone could listen to me, really listen, like my parents used to when I was younger. But they’re enough for me, and I love my family. They’ve always been there, and I know they care.

Even so, sometimes I feel like I’m close to giving up. But deep down, I know I won’t. I can’t. It’s just that everything feels heavy right now. I don’t have friends anymore—not like I used to. I’ve been doing everything alone since my first year. It’s exhausting. REAL EXHAUSTING.

I had friends during my second year, mga nakakasama kong kumain o gumala sa labas, etc. but even then, I still felt alone. It’s strange how you can be surrounded by people and still feel like you’re on an island. I try not to dwell on it, but the loneliness creeps in, and I find myself wishing I could be better in the future.

I wish I could become a doctor, like soon. not just for the title or the respect, but because I feel like if I could do that, maybe I wouldn’t feel this horrible anymore (???) Maybe I could heal myself along the way, find some purpose that makes all of this worth it.

STILL FRUSTRATING lang i wont be graduating with latin honors :((