I was put on medical leave after having a series of public panic and anxiety attacks.

Unfortunately, my living situation is bad. I live in an environment where a lot of trauma occurred in the past and currently I experience constant degradation so stay in my room to avoid constantly being berated in a very cruel way about my deficiencies (my appearance, weight, lack of professional success, lack of life skills, how I talk/issues I have with communicating).

I’m terrified of losing my job and it’s likely now given my issues spilled out so publicly. They left me with stating in a very punitive tone that the medical leave was because of “emotionally erratic responses to management, repeatedly questioning the value of my role, and turning my back to management”. I did not have a chance to share my view on any of these things.

The “turning your back to management” was particularly cutting given that my father has been violent towards me in the past over literally the exact same thing. Like then, it was just an automatic self-protective response by body to manage some of the discomfort/nervousness I was feeling. I can say with deepest conviction that I did not do that to offend, be rude, or disrespect anyone.

My job was the only thing that made me feel…like I had some agency, power, path to security, a way out. It gave me a little, but very impactful, bit of confidence and self-esteem.

I’m not sure what I can do. I can’t go back very depressed because they don’t want me there/wont hesitate to put me on PIP and let me go. Here it’s very awful but I can’t go to a shelter or subsidized housing. I have a myriad of chronic health issues and don’t want to end up renting a basement in Hamilton as a single 50 year old with neurodivergence and chronic illness. I want to be able to afford somewhere that I feel safe.

I feel awful. I’m trying to get through the long term disability process but it’s very hard. I’m not sure what I can do 😖.

Anyways, apologies for the rambling pity party. If anyone has experience with long term disability, it’d be amazing to chat if possible.