UPDATE: I think I got all worked up over nothing. I’m writing from a hotel room where we just had amazing sex where my wife basically let me do anything I wanted.

I had fantasized a whole quasi-role playing scenario worked out in my head, knowing full well my wife hates role playing. And once we actually got to the hotel, I realized I had zero interest in going through with what I had in mind. Ultimately, what I was really after was giving her a facial (not a new thing for us, but it’s been a while). But instead of going through the whole scenario I had in my head, I just went with the flow, and ended up doing some amazing kinky stuff that culminated in getting her face plastered :)

My wife really is good, giving, and game. I just need to remember to not get caught up in scenarios in my head, and just go with the flow. It’s better that way anyway.

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My (48m) wife (46f) considers herself submissive, and frequently asks me to be more dominant. And we do often have rough sex. She likes being choked and slapped, and I do that, and we both have a great time.

But to me, truly being dominant means having your submissive try new things and (slightly) push their boundaries. But it’s extremely difficult to do that with her.

If I want to try something new with her, I can either let her know in advance, or I can just whip it out in the moment. The problem is that she hates both options. If I tell her in advance, she complains that I’m putting pressure on her and she’ll be anxious about her “performance” later. If I spring it on her in the moment, it will usually take her out of whatever “moment” she’s in and ALSO get anxious about this new thing that I’m suddenly wanting her to do.

She HATES anything resembling role playing, but I wish she understood the concept of BDSM “scenes”, where some parameters of what will happen get discussed in advance, so there are no surprises in the moment.

So, how am I supposed to be an interesting dominant sex partner when it’s impossible to introduce anything new without it being incredibly awkward?