With Halloween behind us and all its associated revelry, national anxiety has been cranked up to 13 as the looming election approaches, and I've got an additional existential crisis: I've already heard Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" not once, but twice. When will the madness stop?

As I continue my personal rebellion against the system, I'm back on the hunt for someone like-minded—someone who can appreciate the Rolling Stones and the sad reality that we still "Can't Get No Satisfaction." But I'll try! Oh, I'll certainly try…

Anyway, let’s talk about me. I’m smart, like super smart. In kindergarten, I was voted "most likely to succeed," and I did—it took two tries, but I triumphed over adversity (special thanks to Bush 43's No Child Left Behind Act). Beyond being the smartest guy I know, I'm also handsome, a little kinky, and sarcastic, with just a dash of quick wit and a big ol'… heart (I’m very compassionate). I have a dark sense of humor, so you better have one too—or at least be ready to clutch your pearls and pray to baby Jesus for redemption.

Still here? Okay, damn. I figured I'd have lost most potentially interested parties by now. Former partners have said I’m a Reddit "unicorn," while others have noted that I can be hard to read. Just know that I’m confident—I ain't no scrub hangin' out the side of my best friend's ride trying to holla at you.

Here’s the rundown: I’m tall, athletic, over-educated, under-caffeinated, with a nice smile, nice arms, tasteful ink, a good wardrobe, and the ability to hold a conversation. I've got a sizeable one-eyed trouser snake and a solid dose of that mid-1990s Bill Clinton swag that’ll charm the pants off any intern or Reddit user. I’ll admit it—I’m hot, albeit begrudgingly. No beard, unfortunately (huge disappointment, I know, but hey, at least I’m not hiding a double chin). I’ll make up for it in other ways.

So, here’s where you come in. We’re both married, both have kids, both have careers, and each has a stable—albeit tumultuous—relationship with our spouse (otherwise, why else would we be here?). I vibe best with someone who’s low-key but keeps her wild side well hidden. Fit with a nice ass, but an even nicer smile. Not a bad wife, just an attractive someone who craves a bit of attention, some flirtation, and a deeper connection if it naturally develops. Bonus points if she keeps it classy with dresses and heels.

Ideally, she has all her teeth, no criminal record or outstanding warrants, no severe anger issues or undiagnosed mental illness (negotiable). Also, please, no one currently undergoing separation or divorce, no lawyers, no one pregnant or recently given birth, and no Snapchat users.

✅ Doesn’t ghost

✅ Age range: 30-45

✅ Emotionally intelligent

The rest I’ll leave up to chance!

Looking forward to avoiding the Sunday scaries, meeting someone amazing, and hearing about how you plan to celebrate National Sandwich Day.

Be bold. Be different. Prove you actually read this far. Don’t send a Reddit chat request; send a message instead.

Rest in Peace, Peanut.