If you read some of my past posts you know it's been a rough year for me (I hate being the victim!!!! And I have to hold it all inside as I only have you all to talk to). I chose forgiveness, I choose to be open, I chose to help my husband and try new things and offer new things. I dont think I was in the wrong to tell him I wasn't ready (just had a baby!!!) and possibly didn't want an open relationship! (It's not for everyone and I'm super jealous) We talked MMF and I even bought a book and we talked about boundaries. (So why not?!?) Here I am this week, once again a mess. I had stopped catching myself looking in his phone all the time (don't come at me, half the time it's just normal and stuff is there already up) it's been almost 4 months and I finally felt trust was there again, building. And then I see it, tons of hookup pages, not one for Curiosity, not two by mistake, nearly 6 different sites/pages. He's looking again, and as he will put it, not "doing anything" but can I for one just say bull shit to that comment! If your there, it's because your looking. That's just as bad as the day you finally decided to cheat. I'm so mad at myself for letting him do this again (last time was video fucking) I'm mad for opening up again. What is worse he constantly says I love you and miss you and I was distant all week and he acted like I was the problem. I'm sorry for the rant, I finally blew up today, and said what I found which like I said immediately gets denied. Why is a willing, pegging wife, full of excitement to help still not enough. 10 years we have been together, the love of my life, an otherwise amazing husband. Why? -his response "idk" Fuck penises What am I supposed to do? Right now I just want to be angry but life goes on (4 kids and surgery tomorrow will do that 😫)