Hi everyone I'm new to this group. I hope I've found a place here where I can completely open up? So I really want to hear feedback or your thoughts on what recently happened in a relationship. I don't know how much I should share about myself in regards to how and who I was growing up so hopefully you may understand me. So I'm 50 yrs, I was raised in a Christan family my grandma was more like our mom and she make sure to read the Bible every day at least 2 hours so I went through life hating homosexuality I tried stabbing a few when I was a teen then dad past away I was 18 but by then I was dealing drugs and was very good at it so that open me to a very aggressive life style. Tortured beat people even stabbed a close friend so what I'm trying to establish I was an Alfa guy always in control that went on for 15 years. So being a tuff guy I had my first gf at 21 and I opened up to my gf little by little like I started playing with myself at age 12 I used a drum stick and when I started having sex with her I would ask her to insert a finger while she sucked me, believe me I felt ashamed but I started reading about what I liked I thought I was gay and I felt horrible in my mind god was judging me my family would turn away my friends my reputation. So I stop playing and didn't let her use vibes or touch me. I read articles on pegging and when hustler magazine showed the first pegging I felt some relief it wasn't just me. Ok so after many years with her we played with me and her but mostly she would use homemade toys or objects and we enjoyed it lots but in back of my head I felt less than a man but I kept doing it and did it without her and she was ok with it but still I thought there was a line I never cross I would never be with a guy and that kind set I used even after I divorced on 2011. Forward time a little I met a girl I was honest with her and said we could be FWB she agreed and started having sex when we could since I went of to work out state but when I returned we fucked by then I was in a fetish group I attended parties and learned about different pleasures I would try some with her because she began to ask me to show her more about what I liked sex wise. So I did a little bit at a time she liked getting off and wanted me to bring any one men , women , even trans women because I like watching trans porn . One day she was humping me pretending she was fucking me and she called me a bitch while we were aroused that got me upset I didn't want her to see like a sissy I stopped turned around and was about to say something and she said well what does it matter if it's a man or woman who's fucking you it's clearly you enjoy it so what does it matter. That got me to explore little bit if I could actually be with a guy. I started chatting at first but wouldn't let anyone call me baby or daddy then i got the courage and met a guy we agreed he was only giving me a bj but he got cold feet and from there I tried more and more things until I was comfortable with letting guys suck me but I still hold back on doing the same. I apologize for the long explanation but I was a Alfa a tough guy what was wrong with me? I used to think like that, I'll be honest I still have some things I won't do like kiss a guy. So I accepted that I was bi finally but to be clear I love pussy and titties more just being honest. Ok last year I met a girl after being in FWB relationships for 12 years don't know what happened but I wanted to experience a normal relationship to come. Home and have someone there waiting.. haha I told her about my FWB relationships and she was ok because she also had a lesbian relationship and then had a open relationship with her guy they swing so I found that so hot! I found someone that will understand me being bi and also swing and an atheist like me wow god answered my prayers lol. We talked about sharing she said she people get bored with the same partner and sharing was a great way to keep going I said ok I'm down . So after a few months I decided to open up I mean I mentioned I like playing with myself so she got off work we began playing i hid a vibe I had she was on the bed and as I was licking her I brought the vibe and began rubbing her clitoris she was enjoying it and as we roleplayed I said would you like using it on me and she was so turned on and said yes so I laid on the bed and lubed up and asked her to use it while she sucked me she looked confused so I took the vibe and pushed in all the way I was so aroused I asked her to suck till I came she liked swallowing but not that time she went quite and confused I took it the toy out and asked her what was wrong? She got up and went to shower I followed her and showered with her she quickly showered and got out I was very confused so when we were talking in bed she told me she couldn't be with a man who was bi, she couldn't respect him she wouldn't see him like a man like the alpha the Procter like she couldn't feel protected in he's arms I was in shock and when she asked me if that was me if I was a guy who liked getting fucked by a guy? All that talked I talked all that saying to myself yeah I'm bi and don't care what others think. In that moment I said I wasn't bi or like guys I tried saying that we shouldn't judge anyone who is curious I said I would think you would be more understanding since she had a a gay relationship and her best friend is gay and other friends too. But no she didn't acknowledge her lesbian relationship she said it was just to experience it and she didn't like it even though she kept in touch with her ex not like close but knew how to find each other. So we always talked about bringing another person to join so I was ok if she wanted a girl or guy we agreed so I searched and I told her it was going to be faster getting a guy then a couple or female so I searched and of course boom all kinds wanted to join . I started chatting with one he was married and didn't want her to find out I thought he he good because he didn't want to be found out nor us. I didn't tell her I was chatting with him. But she got mad because I was doing it alone so I said you don't seem interested you always put me off when I bring the subject so I was doing it for us she said no so I found a guy who was married and open to swing I let her chat with him if course the first thing he asked for was nudes of her she asked him where was the wife he said she join the conversation the following night so we agreed to chat then he didn't return our chats and so I said it was a fake and move to the next one. She list interest after that but I had the guy willing to join so I asked him what would he do if my gf asked him to play with me that she wanted to see us play what would he do? He simply said sure and then I went to meet him it turned out he worked about 4 blocks away from me I parked out by he's work he got in we started planning about the threesome but I asked him if we played before the trio and he said yes then I asked him if he wanted to hook up when we could without her he said yes I was so turned on I asked him to show me he's cock and I began to suck him we agreed to fuck at my house I be alone until 5 pm and so we came back I sucked him and finally I got fucked and I took video of it. We broke up about 2 months ago I moved to Phoenix she stayed in Mexico I still have strong feelings for her and I know she does too I want to say to her I want to try again and this time tell her I'm bi but I remember what she said that night and I would only be hurting myself. But I lied and denied my sexual preferences and so what would any of you do we still chat daily and I keep promising I'm going to go see her sometime soon she's only 3 hours drive. I'm in Phoenix it's got all the sexual things I like and want to experience. I apologize for such a long tale I just wanted to share this and see what others think. Others who won't judge my sexual preferences. Hope to read any responses and maybe make friends?