This realization is happening mid-life for me, and after an upbringing in a very religious household, it brings with it a fair amount of shame and embarrassment. Because of that shame, and as a way to justify not discussing this with my wife, who I know would be heartbroken, I over intellectualize being married and bi, and this is the only place I can air out some thoughts.

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I believe strongly human sexuality is a 3 dimensional continuum. Everybody falls on it somewhere and I think this fine audience is grouped somewhere within a standard deviation of each other. It also seems obvious that modern societies around the world have a bias against the non-binary. Some more or less, but in the US, and especially where I am, it feels like a strong bias against the non-binary.

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As I’m just rounding 40, porn has been a part of my sexual experience since puberty. It wasn’t always so prevalent, but I was masturbating to internet porn in high school. I can easily say I’ve had more sexual encounters alone, generally with porn, than I ever have with a partner (by just about any metric you can think of). It feels reasonable to me being a viewer of that sexual activity has in part fueled my interest in more non-normative porn that has led me to where I am today. It started with cuckold stuff, then escalated to more hetroflexible, and now I do spend time worshiping over at r/precum, and relishing some of the stories in r/bistoriesgonewild.

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I am sympathetic to the argument being a viewer has made me more inclined to frame sexual activity with my wife as a 3rd party viewer of the experience. A critic could credibly say it is a dependence on porn that has slowly changed the way my brain relies on dopamine that has led me to where I am today. In my more shameful moments that is exactly how I feel.

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That said, I also am a firm believer that life is short, and call it a position of privilege, which it absolutely is, but believe you have to make room in your life for hedonistic pleasure. I think everyone here makes decisions that aren’t optimized to how some academic expert would suggest you live your life. As long as you are putting boundaries around those decisions where it doesn’t disrupt your life, I’d argue it can be morally just.

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I think smoking is a terrible decision, but I’d never give someone a hard time if they love to light up after a big meal every once in a while. I love and am committed to my wife, and would never want to upturn her life with a change this drastic. But I also want to forgive myself if I spend some amount of time graphically imagining her and I in a 69 while a fat pre-cum dripping cock eases up and I get to give it a few rubs and lick her pussy as I guide it in.

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What say you?