I'm 24, I'm pregnant with our 3rd and last baby. My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half, we got married shortly after we got pregnant with our middle child, which happened only after dating for a couple months (I was a single mom to my oldest at the time, so getting married was a huge pressure from both of our families so out first year of being married was just hell for both of us). Things have been better between us, never any huge huge things like abuse or excessive yelling or anything. I've dealt with depression for a couple years now, and it just seems like any issues we've had has exacerbated the problem for me and I'm to the point i can barely tolerate just everyday inconveniences. It's such a long and drawn out story. Bottom line, my question is, I literally feel like he and my kids would be better off if I divorce him and just stop dragging everything down by being mopey and sad and triggered by so many things (hearing about people being shitty, sad things happening in the world, him having spam thirst trap "friends" on snapchat while I deal with crippling body image issues, etc).

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He's made comments in the recent past about wondering how my dad puts up with my mom because she's so neurotic and depressed and anxious, she's got a lot of trauma from her childhood and adolescence. I just wonder what the fuck is the point of being married and walking on eggshells that you just have to make sure you perform well for your spouses convenience. Or he points out when I'm being snippy or unreasonable or touchy or sensitive or triggered, and it doesn't help at all and I shut down and retreat. But at the same time he does a lot around the house for me, mainly cleaning the kitchen, but it seems like he just expects that to be 100% enough. Our parenting differences are becoming draining for me too, and I just don't know how much longer I can do this. I can't meld with his friends because they're honestly just all shit, and still mentally in high school. He doesn't like when I drink alcohol because I get too confident he says and it makes him uncomfortable, not that I can drink right now because I'm pregnant. I'm basically invisible when we see any of his friends anyway, no one talks to me, people literally ignore me halfway through a story or point I try to tell. I'm a deep person. I can't deal with the shallowness, the shitting on people and just discussing it like its normal. It literally enrages me. He asked if we can have a bunch of people over next weekend and I want to crawl in a hole, because I feel so self-conscious about being so stand-offish, like some freak, and I feel like it's disappointing to him but I can't help it. How can I ask someone to cut out dear friends, set rules for what they're allowed to do on their phone, limit what they can talk about to me, not support them as a parent in front of our kids... I feel like a shit partner and shit human being and I never could, so it all just festers inside me.

I'm a SAHM, and I honestly love and enjoy my kids more than anything in this world and it would gut me if i had to go back to work and not be home with them, although I'm not afraid of work, I enjoy it. I'm not lazy. I just wonder if I should mercy-kill our marriage and just be alone.

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Counseling is a great idea, when I've sought it for myself I've tried a handful of different ones and nothing's stuck, couple's counseling I'm not sure he would really put in or get a lot out of it, plus a lot of this isn't really things I *want* to talk about with him. It's so stupid and so difficult and I hate it.

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This ended up being longer and more ranty than I originally planned but I'm just so overwhelmed, I apologize.