I wanted to

have a happy life

marriage

more children

a partner to dream big schemes and work hard to achieve

sex

without guilt

without shame

with joy and abandon

complete openness with just one other human being in this world

all of the possibilities hoped for gone because of one man, my Father-in-law, with generations of damage and no accountability for his actions, and one woman, my Mother-in-law, who could not see past her own righteousness to protect the child that would be my wife.

what do I do now?

my wife is not to blame, and needs happiness and fulfillment for the rest of her life. She deserves no less

I don’t know how to re-frame what my happiness would look like.

I don’t know how to be a suitable mate for her in what needs to be a happy marriage going forward.

I can’t seem to move past the darkness that exists now. I want nothing but abject and complete ruin and devastation for those responsible who have never bowed to that responsibility. Every quiet moment is filled with inescapable loss and impotent shaking rage. Nearing the end of their pitiful lives, not even the promise of the end of their existence on this planet seems like it will bring any resolution, any respite from this darkness.

I am tired.