Well, a quick read thru here has assured me I’m no different than most. Maybe just posting this “out loud” will be the catharsis I need for now. Like others, I have an overall great marriage and relationship - but I’m craving intimacy from my wife that I just don’t think I’ll ever see. I’ll be brief - this is my 2nd marriage (the first almost drove me to a complete abandoned of society) but as it frequently happens, this amazing woman came into my life, healed me, energized me and made me a better person. She still does. We married in 2001 and I’ve never had a regret in my relationship with this person. Then life happened. We wanted a child. Tried 2 years and nothing. Tests, tests, tests. She has fibroids but we got the old “50/50” prognosis. 8 months of me chasing her around the bedroom with a Clomid syringe in my hand (she always let me catch her). Sex was done to the tune of a fertility calendar and always ended with her on her back with her feet up in the air for 15 minutes (we even wanted gravity’s help for a baby). Some close calls and butterflies but we eventually called a truce with the blood sucking fibroids in her body that greedily bullied any potential bundle of joy out of the way. Adoption was our path and we did it with gusto, finally getting approved by an agency in October 2007. Overjoyed. But then spent Halloween afternoon of 2007 in the OBGYN’s office staring at tiny lumps on a screen that were the stars of my wife’s mammogram. Hearing the Doc say, “I know a great surgeon. He’s waiting for you in his office...right now.” Smash cut to exam rooms, blood draws, my mother in law who wouldn’t stop crying and my wife who wouldn’t start. Weighing options, making a decision, double Ds turning to Double Mastectomy, BRACA 2 (huh?), chemo rooms and bald heads then finally a hysterectomy for her. A triple whammy at the ripe old age of 32. But it got better. She literally kicked cancer’s ass. I was floored by her strength and in awe of her. Just like all of her family, friends, co-workers. I was married to a walking, talking object of inspiration - and she deserved every bit. And oh yeah, we got right back in the saddle and adopted a beautiful baby boy - and I cried like I never had before in front of the judge on our “Gotcha Day” when he was officially our 3rd wheel. See? Life is good sometimes. It is. But life also returns to normal. We were finally our ideal - a tight little family, making our way thru mortgages. And as I saw it, as 2 relatively young and in love people, our extremely satisfying and sometimes exciting sex life (we’re on the broad sexual spectrum somewhere beyond watching porn but well away from vacations at Hedonism Jamaica) would come racing back to the 3.7 times a week frequency we had sustained “pre-Halloween”. We got past her reservations about her surgery scars (I still wanted her just as badly) and went slow. But we discovered quickly that the hysterectomy that had taken her uterus replaced it with an agonizing and excruciating pain for my wife whenever we tried to have sex. She literally cried every time and begged me to “just finish, please”. Sorry, but if there’s a better boner-killer than feeling like you’re raping your wife, I’ve yet to hear about it. So we stopped. More smash cuts to lube after lube that didn’t help, more crying, meeting with a therapist who prescribed a set of “vaginal dialators” (google it), being told to have patience and ultimately both of us avoiding the subject and me raising my masturbation frequency from amateur status to Hall of Fame contender. It led to fights, tears, cold shoulders and just no resolution until one day in a counseling session, my wife told me “Sex has utterly failed me. Having a child is the one thing women are made to do - and it failed me. Every time I think about it, I think about how I was cheated.” Mic drop. In a marriage you try to understand, right? Compromise. Meet in the middle. Well, our meet in the middle is that we have stfu about it. I haven’t penetrated (hate that word) my wife in 12 years and I despise myself for wanting her physically and not being able to suppress that in me given all that she’s gone through. But I also resent not being given the acknowledgement that everything I’m feeling is human and normal and justifiable - and that it’s just our lot in life. I’ve over shared enough at this point but coming to grips with the reality that the one person who I want affection and intimacy from doesn’t want any of that from me. It would be a great John Hughes / Sixteen Candles movie plot - if not for the fact that we’re MARRIED! There is no solution now. I still feel like I’m 16 when it comes to my libido so I retreat to the shower or guest bathroom for that. Divorce is not an option - I do love this woman more than I can understand and cannot live without her. Cheating, adultery, prostitutes, etc are not an option because they inevitably lead back to losing her. I can’t. Tempted for sure but never enough to pull the trigger. My long term strategy is to bite my tongue, avoid the topic, continue these inner dialogues with myself that come off as so much self pity, and pray for the day when my desire to fish, golf, garden or anything else takes over my desire for my wife (Useful anecdote: with all the pornography in the world literally in the palm of my hand, my go to fantasy is always my wife on our wedding night. Works every time). So I know no one is still reading at this point - no blame here. It’s tedious and I’m no writer. But I was gratified to read that even just a few people in a forum about marriage are craving intimacy more than fighting over bills, finances, kids, snoring and loud chewing noises at the dinner table - all the things that are typically marriage benders and breakers. I felt like it would feel good to finally let it all out for the world to throw darts at, even though I’ll probably be the only one to read it...and I was right. Good luck to anyone trying to keep a marriage together or break one apart. I’ll be reading your long posts and criticizing you from my couch just like you’re doing to me right now. But plenty of time for that - right now I’m going to remember my wedding night, my wife’s white bustier and how I could still taste champagne when I kissed her...