My (26M) wife (25F) came to me asking to open up our marriage because she had feelings for a coworker on Dec. 1st. It hurt her to say it and I agreed to let her because she has been curious about polyamory. A few days later I tell her I can’t do it right now and she can’t continue. Few days and many conversations later I decide to go through her phone as she slept because I could not trust her. Come to find out they confessed their feelings for each other on the 24th of November and were sexting the very next day through texts (no pictures). Along with saying I love you all couple days in, it broke my fucking heart. It really fucking broke me. I tried to support my wife by being open to letting her explore but it was all meaningless to me because they already had a relationship going before she even bothered to ask me. Plus from the day I opened our relationship to now I had been comforting her, supporting her and reassuring her that her feelings are valid. That she isn’t the terrible person she felt she was. But here I was telling her unbeknownst to me that she was racked with the guilt of cheating on me. I felt so used. The only other time I felt so dirty and violated was when I had been raped a few months before I met my wife. That feeling of filth under your skin, that you will never be clean, all came back up once again.

When I found that out I woke her up at 6am and blew up and threatened to kick her out at the beginning but quickly changed my tone because I realized I had played a part in neglecting my responsibilities to her as a partner. I told her she had to choose me or him right there. Her choice was me. Then I had to console and reassure her she is safe because my threat of telling her she should “just fucking leave and spend that “magical night” the two of you keep talking about so damn much”.

We agreed to take the next three months (that’s when our lease is ending) to really reset our relationship and be as open as possible with each other all the time. Today was the first time I felt weightless from all the terrible feelings I had been holding in for months. As if her infidelity somehow came in and blew everything up, and I could start over. But now she is saying she HAS to continue being his friend, that they need to support each other through this because it’s not “fair to him”. I couldn’t give a fuck about a man that has shaken my hand, invited me to hang out on occasions, and knowingly played a role in this. I feel like it’s fair for me to demand their friendship ends. How could we ever give our relationship a chance if she is actively being supported by this man? All I had the guts to ask for is for her not to spend time with him outside of work and keep the relationship platonic. I couldn’t even ask her not to say “I love you” too him anymore and she had to say it for me. Am I asking for to much to say they shouldn’t have a relationship at all right now? I feel they believe that after these three months are up they will try and continue this relationship. How can I move forward? How can I save this relationship?

Also, I still can’t get the image out of my head of her message saying how she wants to have his children.