Ok Reddit I need your advice - my wife (F40) is a teacher and very very good at what she does. She is also very anxious and probably could be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (but doesn’t see doctors or therapists about this because she’s ashamed of it).

With that said she, in the past, used to abuse anti-diarrhea pills to deal with her anxiety and after researching these drugs, they also can provide a high feeling if consumed in an extreme amount (which she was doing). I intercepted a large online order of these pills and got scared but also got angry and told her if she didn’t quit taking these pills I was going to leave as I won’t let substance abuse and addiction affect myself or our daughters lives. She ended up quitting cold turkey and had an extremely rough five days of detoxing but has since been “clean” from those types of medication.

Fast forward to today - her anxiety has gotten better as she’s aged and also engaged in regular physical exercise but it will still affect her in significant ways that keep her up at night and stop her from eating for days.

For over a decade and probably longer - she comes home and every evening drinks two glasses of wine and more on Friday and Saturday nights. She won’t see a doctor because I think she knows they will tell her she drinks too much (if she were to tell them the truth) and when I’ve brought up the subject - she gets very defensive and deflects.

Now I know I have my vices too but nothing regarding substances. She’ll use these sometimes when defending/deflecting and I can’t pivot fast enough to get her to realize that I’m concerned for her health and also feel that the booze is not helping her anxiety but probably making it worse. We love to go out to eat and drink (not hardcore boozing but a couple bevs with the meal). I don’t want to lose that aspect of our relationship but can’t justify cherry picking what I want and don’t want in our relationship.

I’m starting to get to the end of my rope with the abuse again and continue to worry about her health and mental well being. It feels like I need to once again put my foot down and intervene to get her to decrease her consumption significantly but need a little community support and conviction that I’m doing the right thing.

She’s never put anyone in danger or gets angry when tipsy/drunk. I truly think the drinking is a coping mechanism for the anxiety and allows her to not feel the anxiety - kinda typical substance a use/relief.

What should I do? Bring it up and demand change? Just let it be? We’ve been married for 18 years and have two daughters. I want her/us to be healthier for us and our daughters.

I also posted this in an alcoholic subreddit too to get that side of opinion.

Thank you in advance!

TL:DR - is my wife an alcoholic and should I intervene in a firm way to change the behavior?