Please be patient with my writing here as I feel there’s a lot going on that’s relevant and some of the time frames might be out of order. I (43m) have been with my wife (43f) since we were 18 and will have been married for 20 years next month. We have a daughter (14f) that has some complex and sever mental health needs to where she used to violently attack my wife and I, but mostly targeted myself to the point about 18 months ago I had to move out of the house for my own safety as recommended by the county mental health supports and our daughter’s therapists. I was living with family for 6 months until we were finally able to get our daughter in a residential treatment facility. While apart we would still try to spend time together like going to the laundromat to spend time together. Once my daughter was in residential treatment I was able to move back home. 

While working on my daughter’s mental health needs I was also working with a top medical facility in the world to figure out an extremely rare medical condition that I have that limits my physical ability and drastically changes my long-term quality of life. I eventually found out it’s a incredibly rare genetic condition that mutates my muscle mitochondria and simple exercises will cause my muscles to break down and poison my kidneys. I have spent almost a week in the hospital because of this in the past before the doctors were able to figure out what was causing my situation. 

August last year my wife asked me if I would have an issue with her posting nudes online because she was feeling down about her body and the idea of other guys jerking off to her. I told her it wouldn’t bother me to post and even didn’t bother me to receive one off comments and videos from other guys. I told her my line was no back and forth with anyone else with this sexting as I see that as a relationship and thus cheating. She told me that she wouldn’t post then and only do that with me. This was all a month before my daughter was able to get into treatment and my moving back home. 

Two months after this discussion I had my appointment where I received my full medical diagnosis. I got the feeling that she was posting nudes so before I left I checked her laptop to see if she was posting. What I found was worse. She had been sexting with 10 different guys, maybe more, for those two months. She had posted her first nude within 24 hours of her saying she wouldn’t do that. I texted her that I knew about the account and what was going on. She said she needed this because she felt completely dead inside dealing with our daughter and this made her feel good. She said she didn’t know how to stop and was still feeling dead inside when I moved home. She saved many of the conversations she had with these guys, but I saw those the next day and confronted her about that. She said she deleted them and all her accounts. I tried to forgive her and live our lives together. 

Our daughter returned home in April and once I felt life was stable I was going back and thinking about the hurt I felt from my wife’s actions. I don’t think I was able to fully process what happened with my own medical issues and my daughter’s needs. I explained to my wife the hurt I was processing and didn’t know if the hurt will ever go away. I was processing in individual therapy and looking at couple’s therapy as an option for us together. She didn’t want couple’s therapy as she’s often felt if you are at the point the relationship is over.  

Fast forward to August this year. I saw that she had snapchat on her phone again and was messaging a guy that I didn’t know. She had an extremely sketchy sounding conversation and everything before was deleted. She called him “Hon” which she only called me that, and they talked about how much they missed each other. She said it was just a friend she met at a party with coworkers last year while I was living out of the house and she didn’t want to tell me about him because I would get jealous or suspicious. She is now finally willing to go to couple’s therapy but she is now blaming a lot of her online cheating on our daughter. I know I need to leave the marriage, but I’m having a hard time as I haven’t been alone as an adult and I really only want to talk to her about these issues in the rare couples therapy sessions we have as it’s a safe space where I feel there’s someone else to help me deal with her gaslighting. She wants to save the marriage, but I don’t know how that would be possible knowing I have almost no trust in her and don’t know if that’s something that can ever come back.