My(36/m) wife(44/f) no longer wants to be married to me because she feels she can’t be a good wife to me. She feels depressed and inadequate in our relationship.

I did this. Throughout our marriage, I asked her for more communication, for example; she would be going on work trips and I wouldn’t know until the day before. I asked her, to just put some effort into our relationship as it felt very one sided. From the beginning I brought up the relationship and marriage talks, if our relationship needed a change I would do my part and she would not. She wanted to be closer to her parents? I moved. She wanted to take a job in another state I moved. I would do anything for her happiness. However, no matter how much I did, she would not put a lot of effort into our relationship. She wanted to travel more, so I set up a travel budget and asked her to plan it and we will go. Nothing, she never did. Ultimately, her lack of enthusiasm for our relationship made me feel very low and I would use breaking up as a way to get her scared and back in the relationship. Stupid and manipulative move on my part. Well, that took its toll on her. I don’t blame her at this point. I just wanted to be with someone that wanted to appear like they wanted to be with me too. So I lashed out in immature ways.

My bad behavior all stems from having issues with my parents and brother. People who wanted nothing to do with me growing up. I did not realize that until recently. I explained it to my wife, that I had a realization about how I’ve been manipulating her behavior through fear of me leaving. That must be incredibly hard to deal with. I apologized, I asked her for an opportunity to make this right. I wasn’t doing it consciously to be manipulative, I was just lashing out due to hurt. However, it’s manipulative and I realize that now. She gave me a chance, for about 7 days. We were even planning a nice trip to Italy in a few months. Things were going really good, and suddenly she shows up at my home office to tell me she no longer wants to be married and she blames it all on herself. She says that she’s a terrible wife and doesn’t think she will be able to give me what I want. Mind you, for the last 7 days, she’s been giving me what I wanted. She’s cooked 3 meals for me (she never cooks), she’s been sharing her feelings with me. I told her that she’s been doing what I needed. She can’t believe that it’s enough, although I keep telling her it is. I just want the basics.

I just wanted more communication, respect, and honesty. Our first year engaged, she left me after Christmas to go be with her parents for New Years (sucked, but not a big deal). Turns out she actually went to a completely different state to go party on New Years Eve. I caught her in the lie. She’s done similar things like this throughout our marriage. So, all I asked for was communication and honesty. She’s made me feel unwanted so many times and I lashed out immaturely and I know I ruined my marriage. Don’t do what I did. Seek therapy and work through those things in the past that haunt you.

My heart is broken. I will miss her so much. I wish I could have been better and realized what I was doing sooner. She’s my best friend and beyond that, we have no issues, no kids, no money problems, nothing.