My husband and I have been married for 16 years. And overall things are good, we enjoy time together, laugh, and are good parents to our 5yo daughter. We came out of a very painful and emotional last couple of years where we dug deep in therapy and improved ourselves and our marriage. But in that process, there were moments where he was downright cruel and awful in how he communicated with me. Stonewalling is every bit as horrible as it seems. And I worked really, really hard to listen to what he was needing and make adjustments. To the point where I think I'm still walking on eggshells, waiting for something minor to flip the switch. And while I'm kind of having my own emotional-"ptsd" (not to water that down) about what happened, I'm working on it with my therapist and talking to him about it. When I try to talk to him about it, he kind of hears me but gets a little more defensive than is helpful. I don't think anyone is entitled to mean or cruel behavior, regardless of their own emotional breakdown, period. And I'm scared for it to happen again.

But that's the thing. I just don't think he's honestly wired to meet what I need emotionally (a cocktail of ADHD and hardcore anxiety don't help here). I know he isn't wired for the same level of physical intimacy that I need. So I live with a lot of rejection in so many ways. And it is painful. And I'm trying to figure out how to overcome that. I'm not trying to blow up my family, but it also feels absolutely awful. I know I'm in a mix of feeling horrible about the past, fearful that he can just click into this stonewalling/not-caring guy again, while also being impatient for the changes he talks about around emotional and physical connections.

Sigh. I honestly don't know what I'm writing. I think what I want and what is realistic are two different things and I need to accept that. And it makes me sad. Maybe I just need to be sad about it to move on, like with most things in life.