We have been married 13 years, 4 kids, and a really happy calm life. About 3 years ago we were coming out of the baby stage, and we had a good talk about what we would like in a fulfilling marriage. He said more physical touch and more sex. At the time I wasn’t doing much of either, so I understood where he was coming from. I said I would like sweet things like bring me home a cookie from his lunch combo, pick flowers from the side of the road, pinch my butt more. Anything extra that just shows he cares and wants to make me smile. Since then I’ve made it my own goal that I touch him at least once a day in a way that’s just for him - rub his back, random hugs, kisses for fun and not leading to sex. I also leave him love notes around the house, buy him a case of beer if I see he’s low, have the kids draw him pictures when he’s working late so he knows we appreciate he’s such a hard worker. Since that talk he has done absolutely zero for me. This is so disappointing! I feel like I bring all the love and all the effort to our marriage. If I didn’t try, it would be cold. Not because he’s cold; I know he loves me, I feel like he really does, I think he just takes it for granted that I love him so much and he can just coast on my love. For years I have let this slide, giving him time and LOTS of reminders to figure this out. There have been a few things that made it worse - ex. He got COVID at work because he was careless, whether we would’ve got it regardless, who knows, but we know he brought it home and gave it to the rest of us. So I looked after him and the kids, and then I got it last, and he stayed out of the house because he didn’t want to catch it again. So I’m sick and looking after 4 young sick children, by myself . Thanks partner. This has happened more than once. Last month I turned 40. I told him 6 weeks in advance what I wanted - earrings, sent him the link and said if you don’t get me something for turning 40, you’ll be getting divorce papers when you turn 40 (this year) - joking, but just so he was told this was important to me! And low and behold - birthday comes and nothing. Nothing at all. He said he had to work extra etc, which he did, he needs more time, he was going to take me out for a nice dinner .. so I made the day nice for myself anyway, afterwards we had a big talk - I said I am doing all the work to make a happy home. He doesn’t do the little stuff, he’s not doing the big stuff. He always seems to hear me when I say it, but nothing changes. Now we’ve hit the point where it’s been over a month since my birthday and I didn’t get the earrings and I didn’t get the dinner. So yesterday my brain just clicked into a place of indifference. I don’t want to break up this family, but I also am realizing that he is not willing for whatever reason to give me what I am asking for. I feel checked out now. I think I need to go back to therapy and figure some things out, but in the meantime, can anyone who has been married a long time give me advice on this? Maybe no one is just all the way happy without some trade off? We are really content, we love each other, we love our kids, I just think how much better it could be if he put in the effort, and I’m so sad that he won’t. Even if he did now, I don’t know how to take that graciously without just being resentful that it got to the point of me needing therapy and that I don’t feel quite the same way anymore.

Thanks for reading and for any helpful thoughts or advice you can give.