So in Basic Training, in San Diego before it was shut down I entered the Navy under the watchful eye of Petty Officer First Class "Wannabe". Now that was not his real name, but the PO was up for Chief Petty Officer, and they seriously harass you when you go for the grade. See, it is not just time in grade and test scores, you have to be selected by your peers. Cue the harassment in calling him "Chief Wannabe". We were ordered to comply with this name change. He is made to wear a nametag with Chief WANNABE on it in Magic Marker written on masking tape over his real nametag.

So Chief Wantanabe, aka "Chief WANNABE", did not bear this with much grace. He was not a bad guy (See the end for a bonus story example) but this really irritated him and made him grumpy. A grumpy Filipino Company Officer was not fun at times.

One of his great insults was if anyone was lagging behind you would hear "Wassamatta, Torn-ton?! Your DICK BROKE?!" Chief's voice is getting louder as he says each word.

Seaman Torn-ton... I mean Seaman Thornton... was the target of WANNABE's ire as he was a slow dude. From West Virgina he was the one guy that could not walk in time with the rest of group. Tall and gangling he was just clumsy as hell.

So later in the Basic Training cycle the CO and XO get to go home at night and we take care of ourselves. Thornton is in his bed, grabbing his nuts and moaning. He managed to rack them pretty good on the obstacle course the previous day or so ago on something and was now in considerable pain.

"I should go to the infirmary." he groan. We weren't sure what to do. It was lights out. Us squad leads got our heads together. We would send the Squad XO with him to make sure it was ok. They left. Never came back from the infirmary till morning.

Thornton had an infection in his ballsack. It was swollen like a grapefruit... ok, more like an orange. He was on strong antibiotics and painkillers and no PT or other physical exertion.

And one more thing.... his balls were in a sling. Kinda like a jockstrap but it had this hole for his dick so he could piss without taking it off. Funniest fucking thing fucking ever. He stood up on the table and proudly proclaimed "Look guys My Dick is Broke!" in the Chief's strong accent.

Chief comes in later to do our morning PT. Thornton heads outside where we are assembling in front of the old concrete laundry tables where in the past, recruits had to scrub their clothes. Thank god they just send them to the central laundry by the time I am in the Navy.

Chief is short, so he climbs up on one to address us as always and notices Thornton sitting on the bench, meaning he can't participate in PT.

"Torn-ton... you summabitch... wassamatta with you? YOUR DICK BROKE?!"

Thornton stands up to attention "SIR, YES, SIR!"

"Torn-ton, it is too early for your shit this morning... I am gonna make them do double if you are fucking with me, Torn-ton."

"Sir, my Dick Is Broke, Sir!"

Chief Wannabe's eyes narrow and his voices gets really really quiet. "Lemme see, Torn-ton... lemme see your Broken Dick Chit."

Chit meaning the paperwork excusing him from PT, not him saying "Shit" with an accent. Cue malicious compliance.

Thornton drops his PT shorts, exposing his Broken Dick in a Sling to all the world and Chief "Wannabe" eyes bug out. Then his eyebrows knit together in anger. Hands come up to cover his face in a double facepalm. He is so mad he is shaking, and has to sit down...

Wait, is he laughing?! Yes he is. The sound is jarring. Unreal. Impossible.

"Torn-ton. 20 years in the Navy and that is the first honest to god Broke Dick I have ever seen. Everybody fuckin' inside on Earthquake Watch until I say so."

Earthquake Watch is where we all lie down on the floor, get real quiet and listen for earthquakes... in other words a little extra shuteye. Meanwhile Chief Wannabe is outside laughing his ass off telling the other CO/XOs about The Broke Dick.

Bonus story, Featuring Chief WANNABE and Seaman Torn-Ton.

No MC here, so here it is at the end...

Mentioned Chief is up for E7, and Thornton can't march worth shit. So our Field Parade Practical is up. We pass with a 97 or above and we get a little gold patch for our company standard if my memory serves correctly.

Ain't gonna happen with Thornton in the group and we know it. But Chief has a plan.

"Torn-Ton, get up here." he says as we form up to head over for the Practical.

"Sir, Yes Sir, Seaman Torn-Ton reporting as ordered, Sir." Shit. Now even he is saying it.

"Relax son. You got a slight limp there Torn-ton, you sure you don't need to go to the infirmary? Gonna be a lot of marching out there, son." This should be a clue. It is not. Torn-ton is not the smartest guy.

"Sir, I am fi... OWWWW!" as Chief WANNABE steps on Thornton's foot.

"Infirmary, Torn-ton, that is an order."

Thornton limps off to the infirmary, we go out and score 100%. Chief WANNABE is practically beaming because this checks off the last box on his list for E7. Sure, it is bullshit, but this is part of the hazing for him.

We get back, Thornton is in PT gear now, back from the infirmary, Chief tells us to change too, he has some extra special PT after that "pathetic" showing out on the field. (We don't know our score. We thought we did good! I mean he looked happy... did we fuck something up?)

We change, he orders us to form a line along the tables in the middle of the room. XO comes in with some guys carrying bags of FUCKING MCDONALDS!.

Chief bought us all, out of his pocket, Big Mac's, with Large Fries and Large Cokes. After weeks eating Mess Hall chow and being hungry all the time, it is like FUCKING NIRVANA!

And his tag now says "Chief Wantanabe"