I can’t live outside my own head. Even in conversation, the second there’s a pause I’m back in my own daydreams. It’s merged with reality so that I’m making a fantasy out of whatever task I’m doing. But the area it feels worst with is love. I’ve never had a relationship, and I don’t honestly feel safe to now. I’ve spent years daydreaming of a perfect relationship, so many small moments that now, I know I won’t feel complete without. Anything less is just disappointing, and that’s the problem. I’m terrified I’ll throw away what could be the best thing that will ever happen to me and the best person in the world for me because I’ve built up this idea of an ideal relationship and it just wasn’t close enough. But also, I’m terrified that I’ll hold onto something that’s bad for me, because I’ll think I’m overreacting and just not being grateful for what I’ve got because it’s not what I imagined.

Usually, this only affects me very little because it’s mostly celebrities I get crushes on. But it’s happened in person a few times, and it’s happening now, and I realised I’ve created this whole fictional relationship with this person who barely considers me a friend, and I’m so happy to see them for reasons that aren’t real and they just see me the same way they see everyone else because I am just like everyone else to them. Understanding that none of it is real is something I can’t seem to fully comprehend despite being fully aware of it. It sucks. I don’t know how to stop this.