"Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it."

I think about that a lot.

I think a lot.

It's what I do. I spend hours and hours pouring myself onto the blank welcoming pages of a journal, leaving evidence behind that I - am simply more than the fragments of people I come across and more than the books I read.

A specific passage from a book I was reading stuck out to me quite a lot:

" I want a good life, and I want passion and romance. But I was raised to see one as a waste and the other as distasteful, and no matter how hard I try, I can't stop feeling like "Poppy Danforth" has become synonymous with waste and distaste, even though I've done everything I possibly can to escape that feeling"

How many of us can truly relate to that? To the feeling of having to choose. Having to give one up for the other.. Wanting both but unable to because, everything comes with a cost.

I wonder, have you too become synonymous with waste and distaste?

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this. But that's okay, some things aren't meant to make sense.

I often tend to cling on to things, people, that need to be let go off.

So forgive me, if during the time we speak, I cling onto you. I’ve never been one to be good with goodbyes.. which is why, I’m seeking someone to befriend long term.

Someone I can call 5 years from now on and will still answer..

I’m at a point in my life where I need that. Someone who’ll be there, no matter what.

We’re all in need of emotional support. Carrying baggages of our own, fighting battles of our own, dealing with demons of our own - perhaps, we can be there for one another?

I’m seeking someone I can look at as a big brother or maybe even as a fatherly figure.. No ulterior motives. Huge emphasis on that.

I’m in need of someone to run to.. Someone who’ll listen and provide a platonic and nurturing affection. Someone I can talk to about anything and everything, someone who can provide guidance, support me and provide a safety net, someone I can run to when things get bad and when things are good..

I’m a little fragile lately, so being seen, understood and heard is really important to me. And I’ll be sure to reciprocate that.

I’m not seeking a specific age here. Just someone who’s willing to stay..

And because I have no doubt I’ll come across many wonderful human beings that make excellent friends, I’d like to say a few words to bring it down to a fewer of you in my inbox:

• I deal with anxiety and depression, so sometimes, I’ll find it hard to talk. Please be patient and understanding with me; Just like I will be if that’s the case with you as well.

• Vulnerability is scary, so please, don’t judge me for whatever I share with you. Keep in mind, that creating a safe and judgment free space between us is important. And I want to be able to feel safe with you.. trust is fundamental.

• I have a playful and nurturing nature. So, if you hate bubbly/sunshine personalities, we may not be a good fit.

• I love to read. And although, I don’t necessarily seek people whom I have similar interests in, I would love to find someone who listens when I geek out about my most recent read.

• Consistency isn’t a requirement as long as we’re always there when one of us needs the other. Meaning, it’s okay if we’re not talking 24/7. I understand we both have lives.

• I nap a lot. I promise it’s not me ignoring you or ghosting you. I’m someone who requires a lot of reassurance, if you are too, let me know. We’re humans, it’s okay.

• If you consider Taco Bell Mexican food, then we won’t get along. Sincerely, a Latina.

• Friends are family to me. If at some point I do something or say something wrong, let me know. Don’t punish me for it. It triggers me and leads me down this overthinking rabbit hole due to childhood past trauma (yikes) and I just want to be able to have a healthy friendship where we can fix issues of our own.

People empty me, but I really hope I can find someone who will help fill up my cup when I need it.

With that being said, here’s something I read that I related to an awfully lot:

I think i always knew i was a little devastating. that i'd never really be living up to anyone's expectations, because i think being pretty with dead eyes is poetic and interesting until they realize being pretty doesn't fix anything about me. i am still a wolf. one that bites and snarls and so desperately needs to be cared for. but i'm not sure how to stop from baring my teeth. it feels like instinct. and it's not that i hate everyone. although, maybe i might. i just think if i was born with claws, i may as well use them. and what a relief it has been to do so. i will always belong to me. i just try not to consider the cost. i'm better off. i have to be.

If you too are a wolf, one that bites and snarls and desperately needs to be taken care of, message me.