Probably gonna sound like an incoherent drunk or something but I really don't care. I'm one bad day from doing my final yeet and need to vent.

I'm so exhausted of trying so hard. I don't have room for mistakes in any part of my life, whether it be college, friends, family or trying to get into dating. No matter what I fucking do, how fucking hard I try to at least act like a decent, functioning, normal human being, i cant get out of this suffocating hell. I didn't do anything to to deserve this, i really do just try be a normal guy, but it already takes everything I have just to keep waking up everyday without chugging Tylenol so I can finally get some (hopefully permenant) rest. And even with all my effort I still get misunderstood as some weirdo or get compared to a fucking incel all because I have more niche hobbies. I know most people don't mean to hurt me but that doesn't stop my self esteem from getting crushed.

Everything fucking hurts. Even when people are good to me it hurts. They call me doing the bare minimum impressive. If what I'm doing is impressive then this entire world must be fucked. Every time I wake up I know that I'm going to have another day of pure misery, exactly the same as all the others, but I can't just leave all my responsibilities, and i refuse to bother others with my own death. Nobody realizes that i hate existing, but im too scared of dying to let any opportunity of a comfortable future pass me by, even though I know that not even my dream life would make my feel anything more than dread, apathy or misery. I just have to keep on pretending like I'm a capable person because I don't have any other choice but death. And when I try to take peoples advice and get over my social anxiety or loneliness all I get is more reasons to kill myself.

I want to die so much but it fucking terrifies me. I can't imagine not being alive anymore, as horrible as my world is.

I just want peace damn it. I just want to be left alone so I can be happy. And if it means that I have to die for that to happen then so fucking be it.