I left this sub for a while but I'm back and actually clean so far. The urges literally never leave you and it feels terrible, now especially.

My gf broke up with me because I got upset that she took back a compliment, I said that I was beautiful and she basically disagreed?? I don't know if that makes any sense. She broke up with me and she said that I was too insecure and I basically begged her to stay. So dumb.

I have always had problems with a lot of insecurities, especially because of older sh scars. I have been trying to basically force myself to love me. And after she broke up with me, I promised to do more than just try. She ended up calling me and we reconciled without really talking about what happened.

I honestly still feel so heartbroken and now I just feel worse about not doing well and wanting to sh. I can't even tell her how bad I feel because then my promise was a lie.

There are like two sides of bad mental health. One side is the one you can openly talk about because everyone probably felt that way at some point. and the other is the embarrassing side. the side where you can't even brush your hair and the matted hair hidden at the back keeps getting worse. or when you can't even bring yourself to bath. or you forget to eat, maybe you just choose not to. Life is fucked.

I can't imagine continuing my relationship with my gf because I can't truly let her see any of that. She's so much better than me and she doesn't even realise it because I'm such a fake ass liar.