I feel like I'm worse than I've been in years and don't know how to get better. I just destroyed the light switch in my living room by throwing a glass at it.

It's rented accommodation so not good.

Let me tell you what's going on in my head. I went for loads of jobs recently that I didn't really want and weren't really me (like working for Aldi) and in the course of going for those I screwed up other things that would have suited me better. I think I went for jobs partly because I can't stand to be alone and want to be out and distracted all the time.

As well as that there's the insecurity of being an artist and getting a proper job. I'm trying to have it both ways and it doesn't work.

The opportunities I screwed up were working on a short film I wrote and being an English tutor for troubled kids.

Of course only after it's too late can I see that these were good, but at the time I couldn't make a decision and commit to it.

I guess I just thought if I tried everything the right answer would magically present itself.I used to be in a 12 step program and that was the philosophy. It made life easier when I believed that "everything happens for a reason" but it doesn't hold water with me anymore.

A lot of my decisions were because I thought I was moving but now that I have no funds that's not going to happen, I confused wanting to do something with it being a reality. Now that the dust has settled I feel like a moron.

My main fear is I'll end up a loser on the Dole for the rest of my life.People sometimes make reference to cool stuff I did in the past (like making a comedy show) but that was years ago and it's starting to make me sick when they bring it up.

The only reason I have to get up in the morning is to work on a novel I've been writing for the last 3 years. I'm getting near to finishing but it's hard to write when you're brain is messed up from isolation and self-hatred.

(for example I went two and a half days without socializing this week, then when I finally did go to my writing group yesterday Evening it felt totally weird and out of balance.

Sometimes when I get busy with the book the days aren't so bad but when I ran out of steam on it yesterday I was stuck with having fuck all to do. Of course then I can see how the tutoring would have been good and I get full of regret and anger and feel like I'm just not able to live life.

Add to that I haven't had a girlfriend for five years and have to really fight to not become one of those bitter men everyone hates.

So that's it, if you have the patience to read this I appreciate it, and at least I saved money on a therapist.

Please no one suggest medication, therapy or going back to the 12 step group.