“Good afternoon ladies and gents. It’s me again, Sir Fresh. This election, just like the last few, the people of East Cape have a wonderful opportunity. An opportunity that many others in all parts of the country would take advantage of in a heartbeat. That opportunity is the chance to vote for me, Sir Fresh3001, as your representative in Parliament.

“That means having one of the most beloved Prime Ministers in recent memory as your own personal voice in the House of Representatives. That means having an experienced policymaker and minister representing your interests in all aspects of governance. I’ve long been accused of being a shill for many things, but the one which I admit to wholeheartedly is a shill for the wonderful people of East Cape.

“There are three key issues for the East Cape electorate which I promise to achieve if elected to government next term. Firstly, I’ll ensure that New Zealand joins the Comprehensive and Progressive Agreement for Trans-Pacific Partnership - a move which will benefit the whole country, but the nation’s largest port in Tauranga especially. Secondly, I’ll take a personal interest in the construction of two Roads of National Significance relevant to East Cape - the Tauranga to Katikati road and the Piarere to Kaimai Ranges link. Finally, I’ll push hard for reform of the Resource Management Act to increase the housing supply in cities like Tauranga which have some of the highest housing prices in the world.

“Y’all know that I’ll be good for you, so let’s back Sir Fresh for yet another term!”