Sir Fresh3001 returns to the Orbit 360 Dining Experience to talk about deregulation and privatisation.

This evening Sir Fresh3001 held a private charity dinner atop the Auckland SkyTower’s Orbit 360 Dining Experience. The restaurant features a rotating conveyor belt which moves tables 360° around the 52nd floor each hour. Sir Fresh announced the details of the National Party’s business policies in contrast to the Greens' atop a podium on the conveyor belt as wealthy donors listed on. At the time he began his speech, Sir Fresh had Albert Park as his backdrop but he slowly began to move clockwise around the building.

“Good evening Nat Nation! By now I’m sure that you’ve seen the latest election poll and, well, I think it’s safe to say that our blue wave has really picked up steam. I’m confident that the tide is going out for insidious imnofox, and our blue tsunami is well on its way to sweeping the Greens out of the Beehive. In a matter of days, reality will come crashing down on the Greens in Wellington and their time will well and truly be up. There’s something else that I hope you’ve all paid attention to also. It’s the release of the Green Party manifesto. Now, we’re all well aware of the damage done by the Greens during their recent term in power. Banning mineral and petroleum extraction on 32% of New Zealand’s landmass. Giving free reign to militant unions and allowing them to hold our economy to ransom. Removing any and all penalties for benefit fraudsters who hog resources that could go towards the truly needy. Voting down the only legislative attempt to free up the supply of housing to finish off the housing crisis. But I’m afraid that things only get worse.”

By now, Sir Fresh had rotated a fair distance around the restaurant, with his back now facing south towards Auckland’s suburbs.

“The Greens have unveiled a number of policies which will decimate our regional economies and primary industries. Continuing on from the damage done in the previous term, the Greens not only want to prohibit the issuing of any new permits for non-renewable fuel exploration or extraction, but they have also threatened to revoke every single gas and oil prospecting or exploration permit. I don’t think I have to explain how devastating this will be for thousands of Kiwi families who’ll have people out of jobs and unable to provide. I’d also like to mention the massive expansion of the South Taranaki Whale Sanctuary that the Greens propose, which’d eliminate almost every oil rig providing employment in the Taranaki region. Now, I’m somewhat sympathetic to their motives: trying to halt the looming threat of climate change. However, this is simply bad policy - there’s a real argument that this will actually increase global carbon emissions. For example, instead of having methanol fuel produced locally in New Zealand, using natural gas, production will shift overseas where coal is used instead. Their animal welfare policies, again being well-intentioned, have zero regard for the livelihood of farmers and one of our largest export industries. The regulatory burden placed on farmers to account for the comfort of animals will put people out of business, and that doesn’t even take into account the prohibition of types of livestock transfer, and a ban on new high-density farms. I think it’s clear that by now, the Greens care more about the livelihood of farm animals than they do about farmers themselves!"

Sir Fresh took a breath as he passed the Orbit 360 bar, and took a sip of water as the Waitakere Ranges entered into view.

“Their business and employment policies only get worse. More “living wage” nonsense which serves to restrict the supply of jobs and will screw over small business. A new tax bracket of 40% on incomes above $140,000 - once again looking to penalise New Zealanders for their success. An inheritance tax - a tax on death if we’re being honest - at 20% on wealth over $1 million will force Kiwis out of their homes and is a terribly thought out policy with house prices being what they are. Perhaps most egregious is a 2% financial transaction tax - charging people for taking money out of their bank accounts! Not only does this literally take money out of Kiwis’ wallets, but it will have some serious ramification for our financial sector. Onto their employment policies, we see little more than the Greens’ handing over the keys to power to militant unions. Taxpayer funded unions. The very ominous “banning anti-union activity”. Undermining an individual’s right to work. Allowing solidarity strikes: in other words, letting workers strike even if their business has done no wrong. And finally, the Greens shed their skin to reveal red all beneath with their mandated militant union representation comprising 50% of company boards, and introducing a cap on CEO salaries.”

Shaking his head with disapproval, Sir Fresh shrugged his shoulders as the gathered audience booed the Green Party’s radical proposals. As the National Party leader began to speak again, the Waitemata Harbour was to his rear.

“However, National has a plan which’ll not only undo the damage done by this government, but will ensure the future economic success of our nation. To start with, we’ll make a number of substantial amendments to the Employment Relations Amendment Act 2019 which will reduce the regulatory burden on Kiwi businesses and will curb the power of militant unions. We’ll bring back 90 trials so small businesses aren’t stuck with an incompetent employee. We’ll restore the youth wage to incentivise youth employment and help out early school leavers. We’ll ensure that employers aren’t forced to pay striking employees, and we’ll fix collective agreements. National will also make sure that restricted trading days don’t make a return, as we’re wholly against the imposition of tradition on workers and our economy. It’s reprehensible that an individual should be banned from working simply because of a day’s subjective significance in a particular culture. If elected, I’ll also look to become the Associate Minister for Regulatory Reform - we’ll pass an omnibus bill which amends over 20 Acts that contain duplicate, unnecessary, or harmful regulation in order to cut red tape. We’ll extend the New Zealand Business Number so that small businesses like sole traders and partnerships are able to access the same unique identification number that reduces paperwork. Finally, National will complete the privatisation of Air New Zealand by selling it off to Kiwi investors and removing the government’s hands from a place it has to reason to be. We’ll ensure that the government’s share in our state-owned energy companies is exactly 51% after the partial privatisation in the Key Government.”

With his back to Rangitoto in the Hauraki Gulf, Sir Fresh began to wrap up his speech on a lighter note.

“I think it’s safe to say that the importance of electing a National government on polling day is absolutely paramount. Our blue wave is picking up the pace, but we need to turn it into a tsunami to ensure our return to the Beehive. With National, we can prevent a return to Muldoonism and ensure our nation’s economic prosperity. So let’s get Nat Nation out there and energised, ready to defend New Zealand from its biggest economic threat since 2008, and elect a National government!”

The crowd cheered, chanting #NatNation at the top of their lungs.