Sir Fresh3001 launches the National Party campaign at The Trusts Arena in Auckland.

“...and that’s why a National government can do better. We represent sensible solutions to New Zealand’s problems, and a moderate approach to governance - unlike the radical ideologues in the Green Party. We take evidence-based policy to create a better New Zealand, a New Zealand which is prosperous, which allows for private enterprise to flourish, and which gives the opportunity for every New Zealander to be successful. That’s why a National-led government is imperative, and that’s why it’s incredibly impsortant that the Green Government isn’t elected to a second term. Now, it’s my pleasure to welcome our leader, the man who’ll lead us to great success this victory - Sir Fresh3001!”

Mattsthetic finished his speech as Fresh3001 burst onto the stage, blue confetti falling from the ceiling having been shot out of National-branded canons and blue flames spouting up from the edge of the stage. ‘Eminem Esque’ blared out of speakers across the arena as Sir Fresh3001 strolled towards the microphone. The crowd roared and started to chant “Nat Nation” as the two-term Prime Minister prepared to speak.

“Good evening Nat Nation! I hope you’re all excited for this election campaign, because it’s the only chance we’ve got to stop insidious imnofox and his Green Government in its tracks. Over the past term, our blue wave has swept the Nation - from Waikato to Christchurch, from the regions to our cities. No matter who you are, or what background you have, you may very well have a grievance with this coalition of chaos. Under the leadership of absent AnswerMeNow1 and insidious imnofox, the Greens have damaged New Zealand in ways which may be hard to repair. When I gave my address in response to AnswerMeNow1’s throne speech I promised that I would oppose the government fairly, not in the interest of the party or for the sake of obstruction. With that in mind, I do not levy such accusations lightly, or without believing them wholeheartedly - the Greens truly have damaged our economy, our primary industries, and our regions. Whether it be handing power to militant unions, banning economic activity on 32% of New Zealand’s landmass, giving benefit fraudsters free reign to rip off the taxpayer, or voting down the only legislative attempt to solve the housing crisis, the Greens have caused real harm to our society. This was also a coalition involving Labour and two centrist parties: one can only imagine what else the Greens would have done were they not held back.

“Not content with imposing their radical left wing ideals on ordinary New Zealanders, this election the Greens have decided to go further over the edge. Capping the amount of income Kiwis are allowed to earn. Forcing private businesses to put employees on their boards. Ruining our financial sector by imposing a transaction tax. Banning any and all oil exploration anywhere in New Zealand. Perhaps we’ll see an unlikely upside to this radical socialist stain: their current coalition partners being scared off. For the good of the country, I hope that any party looking to coalition with the Greens refuses to implement these leftist policies. Just like National refused to deal with the increasingly radical New Zealand First following the previous election, I hope that United Future, TOP and Labour refuse to give the radical ideologues in the Green Party the time of day. However, we can’t rely on parties currently in bed with the Greens to stop them in their tracks - for that, we need a blue wave.

“The tide is going out on the Green Party; while insidious imnofox will no doubt be pulling the party’s strings, their time in government is almost up. Whether it be this election or the next, a big blue wave will come crashing down on their majority in Parliament and National will be swept into power. We have a bold plan to reform not only the changes made by the current government, but regulatory schemes which have existed for decades, the decile system, state owned enterprises, district health boards, second language learning, the Regional Investment Corporation, and so much more. We’ll cut taxes for middle income earners, we’ll ensure the long-term fiscal stability of the government by creating an Independent Fiscal Institute, we’ll promote the use of hybrid and electric vehicles in our civil service, we will rejoin the CPTPP and we’ll restore competent economic management to the Beehive. Instead of the de-growth Greens, New Zealanders will have a government which values economic prosperity and employment. National will seek to unite a centre coalition which represents the core values of New Zealand society - not the fringes - and will bring governance which few will have grievances with. I’ve done this before, I’ve served two terms and I am capable of serving at least two more. Let’s give New Zealanders the leadership they deserve. I won’t defect to the crossbenches before I’ve served half of my term, I can promise you that. So this election, let’s turn our blue wave into a blue tsunami. We’re halfway to shore and our movement can get a hell of a lot bigger. Let’s make Nat Nation happen.”