Jeremy Corbett: “Our next segment is ‘Yes Minister’! In this segment, we bring in a politician to the studio and ask them questions. They can answer in any way they so choose – except with the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’! It’s actually a lot harder for politicians to do this than you might think. Our guest this evening is the Opportunities Party leader, /u/silicon_based_life. Welcome him into the studio!” 4 Applause from the studio audience. /u/silicon_based_life jogs onto the stage with the classic revolving chair, and sits on it in the centre of the stage, between the two teams.

Jeremy Corbett: “Welcome to the show, /u/silicon_based_life.”

silicon: “Thanks for having me.”

Jeremy Corbett: “Do you understand the rules?”

silicon: “With deep and fundamental precision, Jeremy.”

Jeremy Corbett: “Excellent, let’s start!”

Paul Ego: “So silicon. You’re the leader of Opportunities Party, also abbreviated as TOP. Do you consider yourself the TOP man for the job?”

silicon: “That’s a lame joke, Paul, but it doesn’t surprise that you’d make it.”

Crowd: “Oooooh!”

Paul Ego: “You may have a point.”

Dai Henwood: “Hey ah, silicon is it? Has anyone ever told you that that’s a bit of a silly name?”

silicon: “That’s a bit rich coming from someone called ‘Dai’, don’t you think?”

Dai Henwood: “No actually, my name is completely normal, I’ll have you know.”

silicon: “You win this one.”

Urzila Carlson: “So silicon, I heard that your party wants to heal the ‘urban-rural’ divide. Does this involve faith healing? Spiritual healing? That’s the kind of stuff I heard people out in the regions like.”

silicon: “You’ve heard wrong, I’m afraid.”

Paul Ego: “You say you like to follow ‘evidence-based policy’. Is that just code for you saying that your party is just so much smarter than all other parties?"

silicon: “We are smarter than all other parties, definitely. The only people we’re not smarter than is the voters, who are smart enough to tell if we’re on some bullshit or not.”

Urzila Carlson: “I wouldn’t be so sure about that if I were you, there’s some stupid fucking people out there.”

Audience laughs.

silicon: “That’s not what the evidence says.”

Urzila: “Oh, pull the other one mate.”

Ben Hurley: “So silicon, as someone who works as a comedian, why should I vote for your party? What will you do for us comedians here in New Zealand?”

silicon: “I’ll tell you what, Ben, we’ll make it easier for you to buy a house on your current salary, that’s what we’ll do for comedians.”

Audience laughs.

silicon: “We also might be able to open up the job market for you enough to get a real job.”

Ben Hurley: “That’s discrimination right there. Sick stereotyping! I thought your party was above that kind of thing.”

silicon: “The only thing we’re above right now, Ben, is five other parties in the polls.”

Dai Henwood: “Alright, enough bragging, Mr ‘Evidence-based’.”

silicon: “You’re right, evidence can’t explain everything. It can’t explain, for example, why they still feature you on this show.”

Audience laughs.

Dai Henwood: “This isn’t what we brought you here for, silicon! We brought you here for our entertainment, not for you to abuse us!”

silicon: “It’s been a tough campaign Dai, I need to unwind.”

Josh Thomson: “silicon, when you were a humble public servant down in Wellington, hob-nobbing with all the politicians down at the Beehive, did you ever image that you’d fall so far as to feature on 7 days?”

silicon: “On the contrary, it’s an honour to be here. It’s much better than Wellington, which is making me wonder why I want to go back there again.”

Jeremy Elwood: “Why on earth do you want to go back then?”

silicon: “I want to help people, Jeremy.”

Dai Henwood (scoffing): “Yeah right, mate.”

silicon: “Honestly, a better way to help people than politics would be joining this show, I reckon.”

Paul Ego: “The man is right.”

silicon: “So you agree with me?”

Paul Ego: “Ohoho, I’m not going there.”

silicon: “You need actual skills to be a politician anyway.”

Urzila Carlson: “That’s the theory, yes.”

Dai Henwood: “If elected Prime Minister, will you ban anime?”

silicon: “Ooooh… yes.”

Dai Henwood: “Ay, there he goes!”

Audience applause. /u/silicon_based_life gets up, bows, and starts to walk off stage.

Jeremy Corbett: “Many thanks to /u/silicon_based_life for joining us for this edition of ‘Yes Minister’!” Next up we have…”