Sir Fresh3001 talks with Hamilton residents after a rally at Memorial Park.

Leader of the Opposition Sir Fresh3001 today conversed with Waikato voters at Hamilton’s Memorial Park following a rally in support of National Party candidate Gaedheal. Mingling with the crowd and taking selfies with adoring fans, Sir Fresh3001 answered a number of questions from potential supporters. An elderly lady approached Sir Fresh3001 and asked him why she should vote for Gaedheal over UncookedMeatloaf, the leader of a major political party.

Fresh3001: “Well, I believe that Gaedheal would make a better Member of Parliament for Waikato than UncookedMeatloaf of whole range of reasons. Yeah, he doesn’t have the same flashy leadership status as Uncooked, but he’s actually a Waikato man through and through, not a parachute candidate from Auckland. Gaedheal is a hardworking and dedicated, true blue candidate who will give Waikato the representation it so desperately needs. And besides, being the leader of a political party isn’t necessarily a benefit for Waikato voters to consider. For one thing, it means that less of Uncooked’s attention would go towards the needs of Waikato. Being a party leader is a very busy role, and while you certainly have an ability to influence policy you don’t have the time to represent your people as much. I know that when I resigned as Prime Minister, one key reason was to better represent my electorate.”

Another person approached Sir Fresh3001, this time a middle-aged man in a suit who identified himself as an entrepreneur and businessman. He asked about what National would do about tax cuts if re-elected.

Fresh3001: “Well, National ran in the previous election campaign with a plan to cut taxes on the middle income brackets by a whole $780,000,000. We’d have moved the top tax bracket - currently set at 30% - from $70,000 in income per year to $74,000 per year. The second highest tax bracket, taxed at 25%, would have gone from $48,000 to $54,000. This would have provided great tax relief for all Kiwi families, but especially the middle class. We also planned to merge the ACC Fuel Levy with regular fuel excises to ensure a more transparent taxation system, and planned to institute a two tier drug tax to generate revenue off of newly legalised substances such as cannabis and hallucinogenic drugs.

“Of course, in the previous government we cut taxes substantially, both for personal and business income taxes. We dropped the rate of business income taxation from 28% to 24%, placing it at the OECD average so New Zealand businesses can remain competitive. We also established a Small Business Tax at a rate of 15% to stimulate Kiwi businesses and encourage entrepreneurship. We increased the tax-free income bracket from $8,000 all the way to $14,000, which delivered tax cuts for almost every working New Zealander. And, of course, during the ACT-National government we cut personal income taxes by a whole $3,000,000,000 for all brackets.”

Yet another Waikato voter walked over to the ex-Prime Minister, this time to discuss the National Party’s health policies.

Fresh3001: “Well, of course in the previous government I was the Minister of Health for two terms and I instituted a number of policies over my time that I was especially proud of. When I was in confidence and supply with the 6th Labour Government, I instituted a reform of District Health Boards which reduced their number from 21 to 7, in line with a number of studies which proposed such a change. I had tried to pass my New Zealand Public Health and Disability (Meritocratic DHB Selection) Amendment Bill, but a number of circumstances meant that the bill failed. This bill, which has now been drawn as a private member’s bill, would have ended elections to District Health Boards and ensured that board members were selected based on merit, just like all other public servants. DHB election turnout is exceptionally low, and electing what effectively are politicians to the public service is a terrible Americanism. We also introduced a means-tested rebate on the cost of private health insurance, and would have increased the rebate if re-elected. We put $50m into mental health funding as well as funding more drug rehabilitation programmes.”