Not going to bore you with details.

My (40m) wife is almost asexual (38f). I'm not the sex demon most men are but unfortunately due to a past relationships I became very orally oriented in the bedroom.

This previous relationship was way back. This girl thought that she could win me by being very sexual. I was in a bad place. So bad I couldn't even enjoy what I was being offered. That relationship was not meant to be, which is fine.

When I met my current wife we were both inexperienced (minus the blowjobs I got from a past relationship and a ruined penetration because someone saw us). I have loved her since, then so I was naturally really full of desire. Our sex life started great, lots of discovery (everything on the most vanilla side) because everything was new.

Fast forward till today we rarely have sex. And when we do, it's a cooking recipe. She cums then I cum. That's it. It's so full and outside my meaning of sex that I don't initiate anymore. And before that it was almost as dead.

I was frustrated all day. My sex life was masturbation. I dream of getting a bj that actually feels like she's engaged on it, feel like what I do actually feels good to WANT to be in the moment.

I love her and she loves me, butt I'm dying inside for a real sex connection. Passion, connection, dirty sex.

We've been married for 15 years. No kids.

I've talked about this with her a thousand times. She doesn't even masturbate. She doesn't know what she likes. I bought her a vibrator so that she can explore her body. It's gathering dust.

I've been so desperate that I sometimes become very bitter and suicidal. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I just pay an escort for a blowjob and leave.

Sometimes I wish I had a side woman, but I'm so out of touch with it that it is out of the question.

I'm doing therapy, taking meds and weed. That's my coping mechanism.

I want to be desired as a man.