this is ridiculous. i am trying so hard. i am exhausted. i fucking hate the world. i have two reports of frankly traumatic shit that happened to me, no response. i want to write my university’s name in my blood, even mentally this is so on their hands. i fear i may lose my insurance soon, no energy to handle it. i see the news even when i avoid it, everyone fucking sees people like me as subhuman. no wonder it’s 40%, i want to join all the siblings who ever felt the pain of existing in this world. we didn’t deserve this, and the world was cold anyway.

can someone please make it stop. i have been in and out of being suicidal for weeks, all the while pushing to get through school so i don’t destroy my life. if i do not get through this i can’t afford to go back, i am only here on scholarship. so many people invested in me. what a letdown.

i wish all these resources could have gone to people actually worthy of living. i am such a waste.

i want to look them in the eyes and say how much pain i hold in from them, all of them. i’d like to imagine if i could, maybe then they’d care. but probably not. i know you do not see me as human.

i wish i could just be human. please don’t read this and tell me i am and coddle me, if you knew what i was you’d probably be the same as most other people. in my little bubble i can get some relief, but the world at large? i know how it is. we lock people in cages as if it were a moral achievement to sweep away anyone hurting from neglect that we stigmatize and refuse to support. even when it hurts everyone. we praise the pigs who do it as if they’re doing good. and i mean pigs, every last one. you can’t “just following orders” your way out of choosing to be a traitor and enforce a punitive system SHOWN to be harmful to everyone.

but no one cares, no one enough. this and other issues, it’s no lack of evidence. we believe what we want and formulate our theories to fit it

congratulations, whatever inhumane and soulless people read this and rejoice. i don’t care what you say, you cannot do worse. lock me up again, call me slurs, hit me, scream at me, threaten to shoot me and my loved ones, harass me, abandon me. i am human nonetheless.

why keep going for one trauma after another. i am doing everything right and it isn’t enough. i hope every individual, advertiser, politician who posts anti trans bullshit can’t sleep at night. i hope they feel the pain they inflicted on me and people like me, not to suffer, but to feel the incredible shame of knowing what you’ve done. there is blood on too many people’s hands

please make this stop. i wish i had a method. pills and rope are too unreliable, and i do not want to traumatize people who aren’t signed up for that

i need it to stop