Forgive me, but this is a me problem.

One of the great joys I've enjoyed since coming out and beginning my transition, is wearing makeup. I've mentioned it previously, and I'm sorry to bore you with my obsession again. But I truly love it! I love the transformational aspect of makeup, I love experimenting with various products and shades, I love learning techniques.

But the problem is--I hate the way I look wearing makeup.

I know. It's a process. I'm still a newby and haven't worn makeup long enough to know all the tricks and which products work best for me. It takes time, I get it. Still, I want to look good NOW. And it's a battle.

On a whim earlier this week, I put a photo of me in goth-like makeup, onto one of those subreddits where you ask other redditors to judge how well you are "passing." It's vanity thing, but I sincerely want to look as feminine as I can and I take seriously the opinions of my trans sisters when it comes to how I look.

For the most part, the responses were encouraging. Some hailed me--as a mature gal--having the courage to wear the gothic look. I appreciated that. I don't always wear goth clothes and black lipstick, but I do get a kick out of it occasionally. Mostly, I just want to look feminine.

That accounted for most of the commentary. However, there were a few that offered up some criticisms. These were generally gentle suggestions about the age appropriateness of my clothing (an off-the-shoulder top and a slave choker). I was fine with that, I get it. But I also knew that I had no intention of dressing like this to go shopping at the grocery store. This was a look that I reserve for parties or more intimate settings.

There was one comment, though, that went beyond the pale.

This commentator flat-out stated that didn't "pass" at all. They said I looked like a crossdresser (they held back from calling me a drag queen), and I shouldn't even bother trying to feminize until I start HRT and I'm on it for a while. Even then, they opined, I may not "pass."

The offending photo.

Ouch. That hurt.

I have a thick skin and words usually don't bother me. This did. Embarrassed and humiliated, I deleted my post so the comment wouldn't live forever on Reddit.

But the damage was done. Do I really look that bad? Any self-doubts I had about my looks reached DEFCON 1. That's nuclear exchange time, if you don't know. Every uncertainty, every suspicion I have about how I look to others, came crashing down on me like a dysphoric boulder.

I don't blame the commenting redditor for their opinion. After all, I asked for it. They could have couched it better, to soften the blow and to lessen the likely affect they should know that it would have on another trans person. But the initial sting has worn off and I can look back on their words now and consider their words without emotion.

I look at my face in a mirror. Not bad for my age, but I do have creases and wrinkles and dark spots that weren't there in my younger years. It's frustrating. The makeup videos I watch almost all feature fresh-faced trans women, still bearing the blush of youth, applying the makeup to their baby-butt-smooth skin. I don't have that skin. Mine is a rough canvas that defies the drawing of straight lines. Damn it.

So, I'm at a crossroads. Do I dare to continue my path pursuing makeup perfection? Should I bother spending hours watching videos to learn techniques meant for younger trans women, or give up and wear only the bare minimum of lipstick and a touch of eyeshadow and mascara?

I turn to you, my trans sisters, for advice. What do you suggest? What would you do if you were me?

--- Anni 🏳️‍⚧️