I love makeup.

I look at the accumulation of products I've bought since I seriously began transitioning. I smile at my first tentative purchases, blindly bought from CVS without care or any knowledge whatsoever.

My tastes have sharpened over time. Now, I scour the internet, looking for recommendations on lip liners and eyeshadows. Trying to pick up techniques and professional makeup artist tips from watching YouTube videos. Haunting online forums to see what other women wear and how they look when wearing a particular product.

In short, I love my makeup! I love doing the research, getting new tips, buying it from online sites. I've become comfortable walking into Sephora and Ulta and picking up a new shade of lipstick. And more than anything--I LOVE wearing makeup!

For me, putting on makeup and going out to face the world, is the most self-affirming thing I do. Along with dressing feminine too, of course.

Yet, I know not all trans women feel the same. For some, wearing makeup is at best a chore. Looking around, I imagine it is for many cis women as well. But to be frank--us trans women have a extra hurdle to jump over that cis women generally can avoid.

"My being seen as the woman I am is almost entirely dependent on my ability to perform femininity as its been established in our culture—namely, to be beautiful. Here is how I feel most of us have been taught to process gender: if a person looks female, she’s a woman; if a person looks male, he’s a man. Those of us who don’t always look perfectly female or perfectly male are subject to being misgendered and misunderstood; we are often the subject of ridicule, judgement, and scrutiny."

That sentiment was expressed by Tranna Wintour, a comedian, singer, writer, and producer, who is a transgender woman. And I get it. While my main reason for wearing makeup and feminine clothing is because I like how they make me feel, I'm also aware that I'm also doing it to comply with society's perception of me. As Wintour notes:

"There is an unfair assumption made about each of our gender identities based on how we look, but gender identity and appearance are two completely separate things. Looking like a boy or looking like a girl doesn’t mean that you are one."

Wintour rightly points out that the concept of looking "feminine" is a construct imposed upon all women to keep them in their place,

"[Women] are taught to be submissive and subservient; women are taught to sacrifice, to have children, to serve men. When a woman works, she’s often paid less; when a woman doesn’t look “hot” or when a woman ages, she’s ignored."

So this dichotomy is created in which trans women who love looking "feminine," such as me, are in a sense leveling down to appeal to societal perceptions born of cis men's insecurities. Ironically, we sacrifice our Assjgned-Male-At-Birth-ness privilege to achieve a lesser societal status as a woman.

But while we aspire to the traditional feminine aesthetic, society doesn't grant trans women the perks that cis women inherently enjoy.

"As much as I am feminine, as much as I love to indulge in the girly fantasy of Vogue-level beauty, I don’t always want to spend two hours on my appearance. Sometimes I just need to go to the grocery store. But, when I’m not wearing makeup or I don’t have my hair done, when I’m just wearing jeans and a T-shirt, going about my everyday life, people often perceive me as a boy. And I am constantly misgendered. My female spirit is rarely seen or acknowledged unless I present it visually. It feels unfair, because even Jennifer Lopez doesn’t look like Jennifer Lopez without makeup on."

I can't say I agree with all of Wintour's observations. I truly enjoy dressing up and applying makeup because I enjoy the look. I love being "pretty," or as close as I can come to it. When I'm wearing makeup and look into a mirror, I see the woman who was hiding inside me all those years I was closeted.

But I do concur with Wintour about the scrutiny we endure as trans women. How could I not? I feel the stares I get when I walk into a restaurant decked out in an off-the-shoulder top, skinny jeans and kitten heels. When I sit down and order my food, I see the eyes of even the most polite waitperson, silently scanning my face for clues to my gender. Social convention insists I comply to established standards.

Inwardly, though, I'm smiling. Screw their judgment, their preconceived notions of gender compliance, their rigid definitions of beauty and femininity. I'm finally free to be me: A woman.

And I love how I look!

--- Anni