It seems for many of us in the transgender community, that dating is one of the more treacherous paths we face.

Unlike our cis counterparts, we don't have the huge pool to draw from when it comes to finding a partner. They can find others of the opposite gender with ease, if that's their desire, or if gay, there can frequent clubs or online sites dedicated to them.

But for the transgender community, it isn't that easy.

To begin with, we are a small group, a marginalized minority that for societal reasons, often have to meet others and date without drawing too much attention to ourselves. The simplest act of how to dress in public, is complicated by a lingering fear of how that public will react to us when we are among them. Hence, many trans people I know, dress down by wearing clothing that isn't gender-specific. It takes a strong sense of self-confidence to go into a fancy restaurant wearing your finest dress and heels if you are a transgender woman.

Then there is the fact of where to meet other trans people. Sure, you can hang out in clubs and bars and hope that you are hit on by a trans hottie, but if the only clubs and bars your frequent are mostly populated by cis people, your odds are slim. And there is a far greater chance you will meet a drunken cis guy, who just wants to get into your panties, and if you let him--Heaven knows how he will react.

And that is the obvious underlying danger we face when dating. To many cis guys, we are either a loathsome creature they shun, or a sexual oddity that they want to bed and add to their body count. Those are the despised Chasers.

You likely know what a Chaser is, but if not, they are cis men who fetishize transgender people for the "thrill" they derive out of having sex with a person bearing male and female genitals. Most of us have met such a person, and most likely you know such people even if they never verbally express their inner feelings to you.

We all know cis people; we have to, we're outnumbered by them. And not all cis men are Chasers, I hate to generalize in such a way. But a LOT of them are and there is a good chance if you meet a cis guy either in a social setting like a club, or worse, online where you only know as much about them as they tell you, you are rolling the dice that they will treat you with respect.

Virtually any transgender woman who has dated cis men has horror stories. Many times it involves uncomfortable conversations, in which the cis man reveals such intimate details such as he "has never had sex with a tranny" before. And yes, some guys are just that clueless. I recently dated a cis man who said virtually those words verbatim.

Then there is the terrifying specter of sexual abuse. I can't count the number of trans people (both women and men) who I've met and have related to me how they were assaulted, beaten and/or raped by a cis man. For trans sex workers, they number is staggering. Around 40% of all trans people murdered are sex workers. And even those who haven't died at the hands of one of their clients can usually cite times when they survived an attack, if just barely.

Certainly cis women also experience sexual assaults and violence, but not to the extent trans people do. For us, it is a daily constant. And the main impediment for trans people who simply want to find someone and have a relationship.

I wish there was a good answer to this problem. I wish there were clubs completely devoted to the trans community, but the fact that we are such a small clientele, few clubs with that business model would survive very long. I also wish there were transgender dating sites that ONLY permitted trans people on them. But that is an impossibility. There is no way of guaranteeing who signs up for a membership, or whether they are catfishing, or pretending to be transgender when they are not.

I know this post doesn't contain the usual positive vibes or helpful information that most other posts on this subreddit do. I apologize for that. But I guess I'm reacting to my own reality, my ongoing frustration with trying to find a date within our community.

My inbox is consistently filled by come-ons from cis guys offering to "f*ck my brains out," and confessing that they "have never been with a t-girl before." and wanted the experience. And yes, those are quotes from two actual messages I got today!

I love the trans people who I've met and who have become friends. They lift me up, educate me, and keep me sane. And I look forward to our lunches and chats more than you can imagine.

But a gurl also has other needs, and finding another trans person to fulfill them has been search with many dead ends.

--- Anni