I think we can all agree that transitioning has its challenges. From the moment we become aware that we HAVE to transition to save our sanity, to the day we come out to those close to us, to starting HRT and or deciding if we want to undergo surgery--each decision is fraught with consequence. Some more dire than others.

Yet, there are also the "little" decisions we make during transition, that are specific to us individually. What outfit to wear? Can I go to that restaurant safely, or should I choose another? And one that affects me each day is age.

What do I mean by that? Well, if I'd transitioned at 18 years old--an opportunity which wasn't even possible at the time--I would have started HRT while still having a full head of hair, my body would still be youthfully slender.

The blush of youth would allow the estrogen I was taking to more easily soften my features and grow my natural hair. But I waited to transition. I waited until I was at an age when I was nearly bald and "middle-age spread" had become a factor. I waited, and it has made transitioning that much harder for me.

I wear a wig--a human hair wig, but a wig nonetheless. And I've had to dedicate myself to losing weight. I realized right from the get-go that I had to develop my makeup skills so as to better hide the ravages time had taken on me.

I saw a young trans woman today. In her twenties, I would guess, fresh-faced, with little makeup and a slim figure I would kill for. While I am happy for her, a part of me was envious. The same envy I feel when I see a pretty cis woman.

Perhaps I am more conscious of my looks because I am still relatively early in my transition. It's been less than a year since I started in earnest and I am experiencing new aspects of it every day. But the one constant battle I find myself waging, is the battle to look more feminine. I know that is a battle many trans women face, but us older gals have a steeper hill to climb than the young gurls.

But it is a challenge I take on with determination. It is important to me to go out into the public realm and present as a woman visually. Perhaps that is vanity speaking, I don't know. But the woman inside me, the woman that I hid for so many years, the woman who was screaming to be let out, that woman wants the world to see her in her feminine glory.

I apologize if this post too specific to me and my transition. But my hope is that if someone else reading it is going through a similar transition, they will realize they are not alone. I feel you, sister. Every aching arthritic bone in my body feels you.

--- Anni