Red banners adorn the stage, scarlet standards and union flags line the backdrop to the venue of the official launch of the Labour Party campaign. Thousands have crowded into the venue to cheer on the beginnings of the event, as Labour candidate /u/SprinklyDinks takes the stage to a round of cheers

Sprinkles - "Helllooooooooooo Labour, and Hello to the people of the United Kingdom! We are here tonight to start something incredible, something our critics said was impossible merely a month ago, we are beginning our campaign to change this nation and win this election! Without further ado, I wish to welcome our first speaker of tonight, you all know her, please welcome Party Chair Inadorable!"

A massive round of cheers fill the venue as Ina walks on stage throwing her fist into the air as she reaches the lectern.

Ina - “Good evening Labour! Good to see you again since our campaign in Scotland just three months ago. And what a three months it has been! In that short period of time we’ve merged with the Progressive Workers’ Party, seen a leader come and go and have elected an entirely new party leadership. In doing so, we’ve not only turned Labour into a major electoral force: we have turned into a true contender to deliver Britain’s next Prime Minister. We are polling at 20% of the vote, just barely behind Coalition! and for the first time in a long time: ahead of the Conservatives. Our party is back to the glory days, of when lily-irl led us in government, of when Youmaton got Brexit done, of when Labour had turned itself into the pre-eminent party of government of the United Kingdom!”

“And my friends, we still are that party of government. After three terms of serving the people of this country and achieving real victories for the working class, it seems likely that Labour will again form a critical part of government, alongside our friends in the Liberal Democrats. Due to our experienced ministers and clear, realistic yet ambitious policies, there will be no strong progressive government possible without the Labour Party. And I can tell you a few things about what another Labour government would look like. We would have no minister to abolish left-wing policies, we will keep baby boxes, we will keep our railways nationalised and indeed, we will maintain our system of Basic Income. Instead we will massively speed up the rate of reform in our agricultural sector, invest 1% of our GDP into new or improved public transport infrastructure, increase worker democracy and implement major reforms to our education system. We are building on the good we have, not wrecking the good previous Labour governments have done!”

“Comrades, the Westminster establishment has derided us as a dead but not yet buried party. We were a party without a reason to exist, a puppet party to Solidarity and one that would fold at any moment. They counted us out and underestimated us. They said, Labour will never survive as a junior partner in Rose I - we did! And then they said, Labour will collapse in the general election, and we didn’t! They said we would never be able to achieve a merger with the Progressive Workers’ Party, and it passed by a landslide. Neither would we survive Kalvin’s retirement, and look where we are: ahead of the Tories. And as we go into this election, we mustn’t count ourselves out like they have. We have a shot at making Youmaton Britain’s prime minister again, and by God, we will get her into number 10! Thank you!”

A wave of cheers shout Inas name fill the room as she waves, and moves off the stage to once again be replaced by Sprinkles

Sprinkles - "An incredible speech by an inspiring politician, someone truly dedicated to the Labour movement. Up next is a new face to the party, but one that we all know has quickly risen the tanks, everyone please welcome Muffin!"

Cheers go out as Muffin reaches the stage

Muffin - "If somehow had told me before the last election that Labour would be polling just 0.39% away from second place and on a significant rise, I would have struggled to believe them. I would most definitely have struggled to believe that I would be Deputy Leader in doing so. But here we are, building on a brilliant term of work from Labour and on the back of a merger that has united a swathe of people towards the common goal of delivering for Britain. We are in a strong position and on a meteoric rise to the top of British politics here, and I am beyond proud to be stood here delivering on that. We have an excellent leadership and national executive team here, and a brilliant selection of candidates who are all unified in delivering for Britain, with excellent policies from workers rights, to boosting our support for public services across education, police and health. 

Our goal across the last year has been to get Britain Back on Track. I can proudly say that we have achieved this as we have excelled at putting Britain Back on Track, capped off by the Equality Budget, one of the boldest and most progressive budgets for funding Britain in the history of this proud nation. Labour delivered for British people on a grand scale, and from here the only way is up. This election marks the opportunity to get on board and deliver for Britain with a plan for our country that will take us into the future, and that opportunity is with Labour. For Britain, Vote Labour."

Yet another wave of cheers fill the venue, with the cameras picking up many of the merchandise items supporters have bought, including lily-irl party masks. Sprinkles rushes back on stage

Sprinkles - "Thank youuuuuu Muffin! Now is the speech you have all been waiting for. The person themself. The person who has led us to this point and has brought us our best polling in two years. The person we hope to see in Number 10 by the end of this week. Please give it up for Youma!"

The crowd erupts in cheers, leading to someone throwing a copy of nimbyrails on stage, as Youma runs on to address the eager gathering

Youma - "Good evening Glasgow! Thank you so much to everyone who is here, the supporters watching from home, and to anyone from here or abroad tuning in to witness a true change in this nation begin. When I first entered this position, I knew it was going to be difficult, and I was laughed at for setting a target of 20% polling by the start of the election period. Look. At. Us. Now. Suddenly, our critics are no longer laughing. Together with our new colleagues from the former Progressive Workers Party, we have taken this nation by storm, and outlined an ambitious plan to build upon our work over the past year in government. From nearly being outpolled by the Liberal Democrats, to now outpolling the Conservatives and being on the doorstep of Coalition, I can truly say tonight that we are back!"

The crowd raises in cheer

"The people of the United Kingdom demand and desire sensible yet ambitious policy, a progressive agenda, and a vision that will bring this country forward once more. Since entering government over a year ago under the leadership of lily-irl, we have served tirelessly to ensure that the conditions of the working people of this nation are improved, and that the standard of living for all people of this nation is raised to a standard we can be proud of. Through this past year, we have brought in ambitious reforms, tackling immigration reform to follow international agreements and protect refugees, improving the housing sectors of this nation, getting rail back into the hands of the people, implementing a strong foreign policy agenda, delivering and finally finishing brexit, alongside so many other achievements. We have heard the people, we witnessed their cry, and I can now proudly say that we are ready to deliver for them"

Cheers erupt once again

"This is what a Labour government is about, true ambition, with sensible direction. Over the past year we have worked in different governments and across the aisle to put Britain back on track, but there is more work to do. Under a government I lead, we will expand on the incredible rail network of this United Kingdom, ensuring that every person in this nation is able to get around to do as they need. Under a government I lead, we will spearhead the second agricultural revolution, and invest heavily in renewables to achieve net zero by 2035. Under a government I lead, we will stand up for human rights internationally, and stand with Ukraine against the forces that seek to end it's sovereignty. Under a government I lead, we will revolutionise the working week, bringing in a 4 day working week to ensure workers can get the proper rest they need and improve productivity across this nation. Under a government I lead, all people of this United Kingdom will have a country they can be proud of"

The crowd continues to cheer

"My friends, this is our time. This is our chance. Do not let the critics and naysayers tell you otherwise, we are in this election to win. We have rocketed up in the polls, and I am ready to serve as your next Prime Minister if the people of this nation once again give me the immense honour. People of the United Kingdom, let us learn from the lessons of Blurple, let us not return to the disasters of privatisation. Join us, fight with us, and together we can continue to put Britain back on track.