Previous episode here.

Our two adventurers boarded the train in Newquay, and in no time at all they were speeding across the beautiful West Country countryside; the monochrome nightmare of that morning was long behind them, as, seemingly miraculously, the dusty depression gave way to a bright and crisp winter's day. Mists lay low on the green fields, and birds stole across open spaces under the weak sun, all to the backdrop of a pastel blue sky.

"Where are we going?" /u/bloodycontrary asked nobody in particular.

The figure turned away from the Microwave holding a bowl of chicken soup. It inserted a straw into the steaming bowl, and prodded the other end somewhere in the darkness beneath its hood. Even though the soup was hot enough to melt lead, he inhaled it noisily and messily, and in all downed the thing in like 3 seconds.

It let out a contented sigh, and put the bowl down. "We're going back to your constituency. If the train will take us."

"Uh, what do you mean?" /u/bloodycontrary said.

The figure made a horrible slurping sound beneath its hood. It sounded for all the World like some sinister version of lip smacking.

"It's up to the train where we go," the figure said simply.

"Eh? I thought you were in charge, here?" /u/bloodycontrary noted with alarm.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK, a deep, rumbling voice said.

"What the fuck was that?" /u/bloodycontrary yelled as he stood up, eyes wide with panic.

The figure was quite unmoved. "It was the train."

"How the ever-loving fuck can a train speak?" /u/bloodycontrary demanded.

THIS IS NOT YOUR WORLD, /u/BLOODYCONTRARY, PPC, the voice rumbled again, THIS IS MY WORLD. AND FOR YOUR INSOLENCE YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED.

"You've fucked it now, son," the figure said with its head cocked.

I'M ALSO QUITE BORED, BECAUSE LIFE AS A TRAIN IN A WEIRD KAFKAESQUE WORLD INVENTED BY A BORED MHOCER CAN BE OCCASIONALLY DULL, the train continued, SO I WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN.

"Uh, okay," /u/bloodycontrary said warily.

I WILL ASK YOU THREE RIDDLES. GUESS THEM ALL, AND YOU WILL CONTINUE TO SWINDON AS YOUR WEIRD FRIEND IN THE HOOD WITH THE OILY FINGERS SAID

"Listen here you little shit-" the figure blurted out, but the train's baritone was too loud for him.

SHUT YOUR FACE, OR YOU'LL BE NEXT the train warned.

"Yeah, you think I've got a face," the figure murmured, head bowed and apparently accepting the reprimand.

YOUR FIRST RIDDLE, /U/BLOODYCONTRARY, PPC. MY FIRST IS IN BALFOUR, BUT NOT IN BALHAM. MY SECOND IS TARRANT, ONLY IF YOU REACH THE END, AND MY THIRD IS THE LAST OF AN IRISH TRIPTYCH. WHAT AM I?

The figure held its arms up, oily hands exposed, as if to concede defeat mere nanoseconds after the question was asked. "I thought you were wise and clever or something?" /u/bloodycontrary asked pointedly.

He shook his head and pondered the riddle. Instead of boring you lot with exposition I can't be arsed to do, we'll skip to the end for most of these.

"The answer, Mr Train, is Four Million Trees, which is the number of trees the Liberal Democrats will commit to planting, and what a fine idea it is too!" /u/bloodycontrary said finally.

WELL DONE. NOW, HERE'S YOUR NEXT ONE., the train said, but was interrupted by the figure.

"Hang on a minute," the figure said confidently, "just hang on. I've read this one before. Is this whole campaign event just a rip-off of a part of a Stephen King novel?"

YES, the train laughed, IT'S THE FINAL CHAPTER OR TWO OF THE WASTELANDS, PART OF THE DARK TOWER SERIES. YOU KNOW THE BIT WHERE THE TRAIN HOLDS THEM HOSTAGE UNLESS THEY BEAT HIM AT A GAME OF RIDDLES?

"Well I hope this doesn't lose me modifiers," /u/bloodycontrary mumbled under his breath.

ANYWAY, THE SECOND RIDDLE. WHAT IS THE MENACE THAT ISN'T ON TRACK, AND THE TRINKET IN YOUR POCKET THAT YOU'LL SURELY WANT BACK?

"Oh that's easy," /u/bloodycontrary said, "it's the rail pass subsidy for people who dispense with their car for commuting and instead use bikes or rail, because the Liberal Democrats have proposed a visionary solution to both the climate crisis and the traffic on our roads. Put simply, if you earn less than £25k p/a, you'll receive an annual £500 subsidy for using your bike and a train to get to work. This means we can really invest in our infrastructure and move people from road to greener solutions, like rail, which will be a particular boon to this part of the World."

WELL DONE! AND FINALLY, the train's voice somehow deepened until with the final syllable the windows in the carriage quivered and rattled, UH, FUCK IT, JUST TALK ABOUT A POLICY AND WE'LL KEEP GOING. NOBODY'S GOING TO READ THIS FAR ANYWAY.

"Yep, that's true. Basically, since the Tories and LPUK were so absurd about the EU - the former because they thought it'd help them win, the latter because they're genuinely unhinged - our regions are in dire need of investment. There are places in Gloucestershire and Wiltshire that could do with this investment. The Lib Dems have invested heavily in transport here in the past, but couldn't complete their vision - but they can now. Gloucester, Swindon, Trowbridge - these places will once again become thriving centres of excellence."