Picture the scene, and drink in the vibe.

/u/bloodycontrary walks into Salisbury in slow motion as a small figure among a cheering crowd.

As the passionate denizens of Gloucestershire and Wiltshire turn out in their hundreds of thousands*, our hero wanders, wearing a dark grey suit, without a care in the World, along the river of tarmac granted to him by the low metal fencing on either side.

It's been well over a Parliamentary term since the veteran MP represented his constituents in this part of the country. The cheering reflecting off the low slung buildings, the tears in the crowd's faces, and the shifty look of the two burly Russian men admiring Salisbury cathedral for no apparent reason (while also clasping a bottle of perfume... it's completely incongruous and obvious nonsense but I'm sure there's a rational explanation) are testament to the power of the Liberal Democrats and their erstwhile MP in the constituency of Gloucestershire and Wiltshire.

Onward he marched, shaking hands, pulling a slightly-disgusted face when presented with a baby, and discussing the Liberal Democrats' radical liberal ideas.

"How many trees will you build?" the plaintiff cry went. "Four million or more. I bless the trees up the Cirencester. We're going to take the time to do the things that the Blurple Government didn't want to do," our hero replies.

"Will you ensure that our great museums are not monetised and turned into awful theme parks, thus realising the absurd Ayn-Rand-and-also-for-some-reason-Joseph-Stalin stance of the LPUK with respect to our cultural heritage?" thousands shouted in curious unison. "We will reverse this particular crime of the last budget," the man in grey replied.

Then suddenly the atmosphere changed.

The crowd slowed as if accidentally reduced to 0.25x on YouTube.

A figure in blue stepped out of the crowd, completely unencumbered by the fence. A dark, viscous liquid dripped from the figure's long sleeves, and perceptible grey wisps billowed from beneath its wide, shaggy hood.

The hooded figure stopped in front of the man.

And removed a vape from the hood and erupted in gales of coughing.

"For fuck's sake cough cough cough well at least the Loyalist League are banning these, I can get back on the ones that will definitely give you cancer, death and a bad smell."

A crow cawed as a libertarian waddled up to the figure and offered a sin tax-free cigarette, which looked suspiciously like sawdust wrapped in rice paper.

"Er," the figure said, "no, thanks, not right now."

It turned to /u/bloodycontrary. He could not help but feel the figure was grinning beneath the hood.

"You," it pointed, a single oily figure visible beneath its long sleeve, "are coming with me."

Then all was dark.

M: STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 OF WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS I'M WRITING HERE

* organiser estimate