/u/bloodycontrary stepped out, chin jutting, the chest of his pinstripe suit puffed out, onto the platform at Leeds station to deliver a rousing speech on his favourite subject - trains:

[Some commotion as perpetually-irritated SpAd moves out of the way of the journalists' cameras, mostly so she can take a long slug of a hip flask]

People of Leeds! People of the north! People of the UK!

I come bearing the finest tidings.

[More commotion as SpAd pulls out an enormous 1980s-style stereo and plays this track as the speech gathers pace]

For too long most of the people of the UK have had to put up with sub-standard railways. Right now, it takes far too long to get from here in the city of Leeds to the other side of the Pennines. Getting from Newcastle down to London is not the quickest route in the World.

This is not to mention, of course, our more rural friends, who thanks to cuts in the 1960s are effectively cut off from the rest of the UK, and have to use polluting cars just so they can sit in traffic for a couple of hours on the way to the nearest city.

[Tears in the eyes of the crowd as the 'land of hope and glory' bit begins]

But the Liberal Democrats are here, with a plan!

We have passed legislation to build the northern hubs railways, making travel around Liverpool, Manchester, Sheffield, Leeds, Hull and York all the easier!

We have passed legislation to reopen many closed lines and stations, so that people can use the train much easier and much more cheaply than before!

And the Liberal Democrats will work in Parliament to bring further high-speed lines to the UK, which expands our capacity and reduces journey times up and down the UK by half!

['Land of hope and glory' bit starts again. SpAd rolls her eyes and snorts something off the CD case in the background]

With your vote, we can revolutionise transport! We can develop a world-class railway system! We can do Britain proud!

Vote Lib Dem on Saturday! And thank you.