/u/bloodycontrary rocked up in yet another train (CHOO CHOO), with a massive whiteboard and a laser pen, and half a dozen TV cameras, to speak about Liberal Democrat transport policy and why it is better than every other party's policy to the point of embarrassment:

Commuters, WITH YOUR COMPUTERS!

[Audible swearing from irritable SpAd who doesn't appreciate Alan Partridge jokes]

People of Paddington, London and beyond, lend me your ears!

[Sharp look and matronly cough as apparently Shakespeare is off limits too]

OK seriously, let's talk transport.

I love transport, I love that the UK is the home of the railways and that we have contributed hugely to basically every form of transport imaginable.

But in many ways we are very far behind! Our railways are old and crowded, our airports are concentrated in one area and our roads are highly fumey. Pollutey. They're bad for the environment.

We've made steps in the last Government to address these issues. We have started work on the Northern hubs railways, where people in the north can look forward to getting from one side of the Pennines to the other in less than a fortnight.

We also-- wait, sorry madam, what is it?

[Short break as an elderly woman asks which platform goes to Bude. The SpAd rolls her eyes as she realises this section of the campaign event directly rips off an Alan Partridge episode]

Ah ha! Well, Bude you can get to from platform 9, and it is thanks to the Liberal Democrats' efforts that you can do that. Dozens of new stations and routes across the country have already been opened with more to come. We are connecting Britain in a way it hasn't been for decades.

We also want to expand our high speed railways. North from Leeds into Scotland, and we should like to commission a study on a high speed line west from here to Swansea. Faster travel, better travel, and greener travel for all.

This leaves aeroplanes and airports. Frankly--ah, sorry sir, how can I help?

[At this point the SpAd gathers her things and stalks off to an off licence, while the young man asks where the Heathrow Express is]

Ah, I can tell you're from Swansea. You've had to come all the way to London for your flight, which is a shame. I note you came here by train and you're now taking a flight out, which is interesting for two reaso- yes OK it's platform 2, but honestly it's a rip off, just get the piccadilly line.

This is interesting for two reasons! Firstly, domestic flights are mostly pointless. We don't need them if we have great railway connections, which is what we want to do. This also would free up capacity at Heathrow itself, ergo undermining any need to expand it. Finally, it is a pity that that man from South Wales has to travel to London to leave on his holiday when he could go from Cardiff or Bristol. The Liberal Democrats will redress that balance.

[A slight palaver as the SpAd returns with a three pack of special brew and a bag of slips. She opens a can which sprays beer over the front row, but she doesn't really give a toss because she's already downed a can on the walk back. She belches and throws a can at /u/bloodycontrary, who ducks just in time]

I'm sure you all agree that these are fantastic policies. Better access for people to international flight. Fewer pointless and polluting domestic flights. A world class railway. A Britain that is moving.

Thanks everyone!