It was early on Wednesday morning and LightningMinion was outside the Crown Point Traction Maintenance Depot (which is a train depot near Norwich). With the aid of a sledgehammer, he broke down a door on one of the train sheds and quietly snuck in. He met a train driver who was about to call the police, but LightningMinion offered him a generous fifty thousand pound bribe to let him drive the train (class 755 unit 420, a bi-mode electro-diesel multiple unit) instead on its scheduled morning service from Norwich to Stansted Airport. The train driver accepted the offer. LightningMinion and the train driver got on the train, with them having agreed that the train driver will drive the train to Norwich station and then allow LightningMinion to take over. This indeed happened, and the train driver got off at Norwich and went home for the day, already having earnt a nice salary for the day.

LightningMinion is not a qualified train driver. He has never taken any courses in train driving; he doesn’t even know how to drive a car. However, someone on twitter angry at the train strikes had ranted that all train drivers do is press some buttons, so he figured driving the train must therefore be easy. Plus he’s watched some train simulation videos on YouTube so he can probably figure it out.

At the time the train was supposed to leave, LightningMinion promptly shut the doors contrary to usual practice and set off. Coming out of Norwich station, at the first junction he went south like the train was supposed to, but at the 2nd junction, instead of heading down the line towards Ely like the train was supposed to, he instead decided to head down the line towards London. He then gave an announcement to his passengers:

“Hello and welcome on board this special Labour Party Express Train. This train shall be taking a tour of East Anglia as I showcase how Labour will build a brighter future for this region. We are non-stop until Stowmarket, then we will call at every stop until Cambridge except for Newmarket but including Fulbourn, Cherry Hinton and Cambridge Beehive, and then all stations from there until Norwich.”

Some passengers grew bewildered as there were many things wrong with this announcement. This train was not supposed to go via Stowmarket, or travel on the Ipswich-Cambridge Line. The stations at Cherry Hinton and Fulbourn no longer exist. And no station called “Cambridge Beehive” has ever existed. This train also was supposed to go to Stansted Airport, yet it seemed like it wasn’t going to.

One passenger was drinking a cup of hot chocolate they had bought at Norwich station when the train suddenly jerked, causing them to spill the boiling liquid all over the clothes as the train screeched to a stop without warning. LightningMinion quickly apologised on the announcement system and explained that the Advanced Warning System had been triggered by a yellow signal, and he’d failed to acknowledge the alert, which activated the emergency brakes. As the train got going again, many passengers began to grow worried that they may not make it to their destination in one piece.

The train stopped at Stowmarket, and some passengers got off immediately, not trusting LightningMinion’s (nonexistent) train driving skills. LightningMinion ran to the other end of the train as it needed to reverse at the station. The train departed the station, but not long after loud sparks could be heard as the train ground to a halt and its systems turned off. The cause was that the train had turned onto the unelectrified Ipswich-Cambridge Line, but LightningMinion had neglected to turn the train into diesel mode at Stowmarket, meaning that the train lost power as its pantograph left the overhead line. LightningMinion apologised to passengers, saying “This train can run both on electricity and diesel, and we just turned onto a diesel line but I had neglected to turn on the diesel generators. The Labour Party however has a plan to fix this: we will fully electrify the UK’s railway network in line with the Railways (Electrification) Act and purchase new, modern, eco-friendly electric trains to replace the diesel trains which will become redundant as electrification projects are finished. However, before full electrification is achieved, some trains will run on routes which are partially electrified and partially unelectrified, such as the route we’re on now. It would be wasteful to run a diesel train along the whole route, which is why Labour also supports purchasing new tri-mode trains for such routes. Such trains can run off the overhead line on electrified sections, off onboard batteries for shorter unelectrified lines, and off onboard diesel generators on longer unelectrified sections. Then, once the line is fully electrified, the diesel generators can be removed, converting the train into a fully electric train.” LightningMinion then turned the train on again, this time turning on the diesel generators as well.

Later, as the train reached the junction between the line to Ely and the line to Cambridge, LightningMinion announced “We are at the junction where the lines from Ely and from Cambridge meet, but currently it is not possible to go from one of the others. This means that towns like Soham on the line to Ely do not have rail services towards Cambridge, instead having them only towards Ipswich. As your MP I would support building new tracks to allow trains to run from Cambridge through Newmarket to Soham and Ely, better connecting this region with poor transport links. Speaking of Newmarket, we are now at the town, but we are not stopping here as it is an awful place. I call for ex-Newmarket.”

Later, the train again screeched to a stop. This time, LightningMinion had failed to obey a red signal, causing the Train Protection and Warning System to trigger the emergency brakes. Once the light turned green, LightningMinion got going again.

When the train reached the site of the former Fulbourn station, LightningMinion announced “There used to be a railway station here, and also in Cherry Hinton, but both stations have since been closed. As your MP I would campaign to reopen the stations and open a new station at the Beehive Centre as part of the East West Rail project which I secured funding for from the Rose I coalition in order to improve transport links throughout the city. This would be in addition to the electrified underground busway I am in favour of building in Cambridge, which would mean that electric, zero emission buses can travel throughout the city without getting caught in traffic jams and getting severely delayed like they do on a daily basis. Only through investments into Cambridge’s public transport infrastructure like these can we encourage a modal shift from cars to buses and trains, which is especially necessary due to the rapid growth of the region.”

At Cambridge, the train needed to reverse, but this time LightningMinion decided to not hop to the cab on the other side of the train as at Stowmarket he’d left a GoPro in that cab, meaning he could drive the train “safely” from the back. As the train got going, it was soon passing through countryside filled with farms, at which point LightningMinion announced “and we’ve reached farming territory. Farms are a crucial part of the East Anglian economy, yet they are also the cause of significant air pollution in both rural and urban areas. Previously when I was the MP for Cambridgeshire, I secured funding to support farmers in transitioning to more sustainable farming practices, and a Labour government would continue this funding. In addition, we would also repurpose some of this funding to go towards cutting the ammonia emissions of farms.”

When the train reached Ely, LightningMinion announced that he’s also in favour of reopening the railway line between March and the nearby town of Wisbech to tackle deprivation in the region.

Later, somewhere in Norfolk, LightningMinion was then discussing how he’d also lobby to reopen a railway link from Norwich to Fakenham, Swaffham and King’s Lynn when the train left the tracks. Perhaps LightningMinion’s idea to go faster for fun wasn’t such a good idea. He quickly escaped and went back home and thought he was safe before getting a message from /u/model-kurimizumi saying them and /u/yimir_ need to have a meeting as a significant sum of money had disappeared from the party’s treasury.