A new election, a new constituency. The cycle remains exciting and innovative as ever. On the trail of yet another stunning electoral defeat (Read: Victory) Chi decides to launch his campaign as he intends to finish it. At the bottom of a bottle. To this end, he takes his entourage to Gordon’s Wine Bar to really disprove the champagne bourgeois accusations. After dabbling in a bottle or two, Chi feels sufficiently confident to tackle a rather pressing issue. Greedy Tories. He begins to pontificate, “When we entered the Grand Coalition we had a clear vision of what we wanted to do to improve the lives of people across the country. We wanted to invest in the infrastructure of regions often overlooked by Westminster. We wanted to end the corruption and abuse of power that police forces across the country, and in particular the Metropolitan Police, were utilising. Frosty took education reform by the hand and dragged it kicking and screaming into reformation. We achieved what we set out to do and we can be confident that our achievements shall have a lasting positive impact on the people of the United Kingdom. Our colleagues in government cannot say the same. Their manifesto for this election is filled with promises to repeal and end the achievements of the Grand Coalition including our wide scale education reforms. So then, one must question, if these policies, which were agreed upon before we entered government, were so reprehensible, why did they continue to proceed into governance? Power and greed. The Tories oldest friend. Their dishonourable intentions does not denigrate our achievements in government, however it serves as a clear and stark warning that the Conservatives must not return to government. They treat the mandate and trust of the British people as a stepping stone for their fanatical intentions which have become clear in this manifesto. I was ambivalent to a Coalition with the Conservatives after the last election and upon entering it, I warmed to the idea. This time there shall be no ambivalence or warming. A coalition must not be considered or entertained.”

After finishing the dregs, Chi made a homage to much loved and sadly demised Wetherspoons which has recently been changed ownership to some swanky bar. Another demoralising experience of capitalism. The Knights Templar had long been a bastion of cheap drinks against the inhospitable tide of central London pricing, but no longer would it provide such a welcoming refuge. Here Chi chose to lecture on the contributions that Labour has made and will make to the Education sector. “For a number of years now, the Labour party has been the champion of education within our parliamentary system. No one can claim such a successful and impactful legacy on the education sector and it is a testament to our commitment that we are continually striving to improve the prospects of the country’s young people. We are going to build off of what we have already done to create a better environment in which to be assessed. We shall look to involve digital adaptive exams which more effectively gauge a students ability through presenting harder or easier assessments based on their performances. Alongside this, we will look to reintroduce coursework as part of the assessment process. Too much pressure is often placed on the months of May and June, often to the detriment of students' mental and emotional health. By creating an externally marked coursework framework, we can ensure that some of this pressure is relieved and there is a more gradual and responsive assessment process.”

After some significant alcohol consumption, the only proper course of action one could take, was to visit a Morleys. Chi decided that a bracing walk to Great Dover Street was in order, to take advantage of the cheap, greasy chicken offerings. On arrival, he ordered 6 wings for £3.90. On tasting that greasy, salty, crispy skin, he was reinvigorated with a passion to discuss housing, as every normal person is. “There has been a consistent lack of affordable housing in this country for over a decade and it is time we get to the root cause of this issue. Labour will prioritise the construction of high-density, social housing to ensure that everyone has the opportunity to have a place to call their home. We will also introduce the New Build Housing Bill to introduce more strenuous standards for house construction as well as improving the rights of those moving into new houses. To knit these policies together, we will work on the implementation of eco-towns which are based around the 15-minute city design and have a strong emphasis on community, sustainability and renewability. Unlike the denizens of Oxford, we do not believe these to be a deep-state plot to subvert humanity. They are a common sense approach to the complications of modern living which are extrapolated by the capitalist system.”

Wined and dined in true fashion, Chi retreated to his bed to dream of a happier world. One in which Birmingham City were leading the Premier League and Warwickshire had just won a County title. One in which houses were nice and affordable. One in which everyone in Central London voted for Chi to validate his crippling insecurities.