I am greatly pleased to be here and talking to you about the issues that really matter to the Scottish people. These are the issues that have been agreed as important by a focus group I paid to turn up.

The first issue was that of a lack of investment in our high streets. Sadly the Haggis Raving Loony Party did not have any policy in this regard in our manifesto so I can't really say anything about this, other than, yeah, I guess there is a lack of investment in our high street, maybe the government should do more.

The second most important issue they raised was a lack of funding for the healthcare sector. Now, I have a great plan for this, which is to bring back prescription fees for prescription drugs to be able to put funding into other areas of the healthcare sector. The people of Scotland put up with these policies for over a year so it should be alright.

The third issue was that there isn't enough transport links in Scotland which I promise to fix with proper investment into our transport links like expanding the Lumo service to London, investing more into the Edinburgh Trams network and into the Glasgow Metro to make it more than just a silly circle. As a true patriot I would also bring back the Flying Scotsman which was abolished by eco freaks who believe in wokisms like climate change.

The fourth most important point the focus group mentioned was climate change which I would fix by planting trees and banning pollution, an easy fix that hasn't been done by the Government yet.

The fifth issue was about immigration cos it turned out the focus group was a bit racist. They also didn't believe me when I said that immigration matters were reserved powers that we can't do anything about.

Anyway, as a final point, don't be racist, choose life and vote for the HRLP.