I’m confident and straight acting in my public life. At times I am a leader. People look up to me. I am a stereotype. You would never pick me out on the street as someone who would be anything else. Or maybe you would, maybe you have spidey senses.

However, if I am in a one-on-one setting and a dominant man challenges me in some way (especially in a sexual context) my responce is very different. I feel the urge to seek safety and avoid conflict. I’m not sure it’s fear exactly, but maybe a cousin to fear. It’s like a switch turns on (or off?) and I suddenly find myself feeling obedient and submissive.

It’s more than just a stereotypical “submissive” feeling though. I feel like he sees me and knows something about me that even I myself may not fully understand. I’m not sure if I temporarily become submissive or if that is my natural state and the confident version of me is the temporary version of me.

As you read this you may be thinking “maybe he’s gay and just doesn’t know it?”. But it’s more complicated than that. I am not attracted to men. Not physically or romantically. At least I don’t think I am. I don’t even look at a guy out on the street and have any desires for him. I don’t have a “type” as far as appreanance goes. I never feel any emotional connection to a man.

I’ve never kissed a man and have no desire to do so. But I’ve knelt at a man’s feet and sucked his dick. I’ve swallowed cum. I’ve been bent over the back of a sofa and taken cock up my ass. I’ve given a lot of men pleasure, almost exclusively without reciprocation.

This is something that I first experienced in college, though I wasn’t as accepting and comfortable with it at the time. That college experience was somewhere in the gray area between consensual and non-consensual. I don’t even remember his name now, but if I were to meet him again I would thank him for forcing that door open for me. For showing me what I am capable of. For breaking me.

Since then I have had a handful more experiences submitting to dominant men. Sucking dick. Taking cock. Mostly these situations I’ve carefully sought out. A couple of men have been repeats over a period of years, but usually infrequently, perhaps every 3 or 4 months. Some like to think of me as another man simply giving sexual pleasures. Others have been more demeaning and used derogatory and sometimes feminine names for me.

These collective experiences have led me to better understand how enjoyable this experience can be for me. To completely let go and let a man use me for his sexual pleasure. I enjoy allowing my body to be used without consideration for my own pleasure. I no longer rebuff condescending and derogatory remarks. I absorb them and incorporate them into my service as a pleasure vessel. I welcome this objectification as a sexual commodity.

I’m not certain what label would fit me. Perhaps I am a sissy? I’ve crossdressed a few times. Primarily because it gave a man who was fucking me greater pleasure to fuck me in a dress.

I did enjoy the feminine feelings, but I don’t feel like I’m really a woman inside. I am sure that I am not trans, but I would be willing to be more feminine to please a man.

Recently my well has run dry. I have no men to serve. But I feel a need to be someone’s pleasure object...

Edit: formatting