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I did a session and got... nothing.
Post Body

No realizations, no release of trauma, no conversations with repressed parts of myself, not even any comedown. I felt exactly the same the day after as I did the day before, except disappointed with the (lack of) experience I had.

Did I do something wrong? Should I take a higher dosage? I am at a loss.

Edit: answering questions from comments here.

u/kgiro, u/maddio1, u/SnooPeanuts3971, u/theverywickedest, u/mjcanfly, u/inpiecesinparts: thanks for your comments so far. I should have answered most of what you asked in the edit. I've highlighted a few important phrases in bold, as well.

Details of Experience


Preparation and previous MDMA experience

When I read about solo MDMA sessions and how they can help people with trauma, I decided that I was going to do it. I already had the MDMA, and I had used it twice before, although always with another person who was also on the drug. Other than the lack of comedown, those experiences felt like what people describe as typical MDMA experiences, although there were no trauma breakthroughs to be had in those sessions.

I did a lot more reading, including skimming the Solo MDMA book, and parts of Trust, Surrender, Receive. I also read the MAPS therapeutic protocols pretty closely.

Dosage

135mg initial dosage, with 135mg booster at approximately 2 hours in. Based on reading I had done, this should have been adequate, since my response to alcohol and other drugs is fairly typical for someone my size (6' tall, ~200 lbs / 183 cm, ~91 kg).

Prescription medications

I am not on any SSRIs, but I am on Welbutrin and Adderall. I didn't take Adderall that day, and stopped the Wellbutrin about 3 days before the session. I have subsequently resumed taking Wellbutrin.

In the past, at different times, I have taken either Lexapro or Celexa (I forget which), Buspar, and Prozac. Lexapro/Celexa and Buspar did absolutely jack shit to me. Prozac made me hypomanic, but that might be because I was on it at the same time I was on Wellbutrin.

Therapy history

I've been in therapy off and on for many years. I've been with the same therapist for the past 6 years, and made lots of progress. I talked to him about my intention to do this session beforehand, and he approved. He even offered to attend a session if I wanted to, and if I supplied the drug. My therapist rules. :-)

Setting

My bedroom. Clean sheets, noise canceling headphones, sleep mask, ambient/chill Spotify playlist.

The only somewhat unusual thing here is that I got my ex to dogsit for me, so my dog wasn't around. Before the session, I kept looking around for her and not seeing her, which was weird. Going to the bathroom was a little weird for the same reason.

Intention

To explore/resolve some deep trauma related to childhood emotional neglect.

Development of the session

The first couple hours were pretty much uneventful. After the drug kicked in, I took the booster. I'm guessing it took longer than typical to kick in because I had eaten a meal right beforehand.

I did experience some grief for the childhood I didn't have. This is something I've been working through in therapy without MDMA, so I don't think this is particularly unusual, or even necessarily something induced by the drug. I may very well have had this experience with just the headphones sleep mask playlist.

For a while, I just felt lonely, and missed my dog.

I felt warm, content, and wanted a massage or to be held/hugged at various times throughout the session. At times, I also felt a little horny. Once or twice, I felt a little bit of nervous energy. Obviously, all of these are probably the result of the drug.

At one point, I actually felt love. From where, I don't know. I wasn't sure whether to trust the feeling or not.

Excerpts from notes

I made notes, and in them it says:

 

  • Feel like I can't relate to people.
  • My parents were too damn young.
  • Take what you can get and build on it.

 

Neither of the first two are any kind of startling revelation to me. The last one is just pragmatic and obvious, like something I could have gotten out of a simple therapy session.

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3 years ago