Ok so my concerta started taking over hard and I started reading about drugs, their chemistry, benefits, risks etc.... like I normally do because I find it fascinating and has saved my life a few times back when I was abusing any drug my friends had. Nowadays it's mostly just Ritalin, booze, Xanax and Ativan. I actively cut those buddies out of my life cause I was definitely going down a bad path and to this day, I find it tough to control my cravings. I'd be lying if I said I wouldnt destroy a rail of coke right now even after taking 108mg ER Ritalin, which in itself is stupid, but eh, I enjoy the feeling of drugs and find them fascinating because of how creatures have evolved to enjoy them. Like I just found out that dogs will intentionally seek out Psilocybin mushrooms and enjoy tripping, which is fascinating because that seems like proof that drugs, despite their stigma, have been more beneficial for life on this earth than it has been bad. I mean hell, we just replaced cocaine with Adderall, dexamphetamine and methylphenidate, all of which are just as easy to abuse as cocaine and just as bad when abused as well. Especially because of how easily you can walk into a doctor's office and tell them you got a couple wires loose and your friend gave you a pill and you think it rhymed with addemall or by bands or dexmethylphenuhsomething and it totally helped you focus and calmed you down and definitely didn't make you stay up all night, googling things that pop into your brain and write rants on websites about whatever you are thinking about. Such as reddit, for example.

All jokes aside, ya, I am a drug addict, but Ritalin helps my anxiety, PTSD and OCD a lot. Problem is, I get 30 whole pills to myself every month and another 30 5mg immediate release ones that definitely last more than 5 days. So with me, ya one pill works. But two works even better. And then two hours later, maybe an extra will work even more! And an hour later I'm feeling a nice sense of well being, severe nicotine cravings and just a bit of resentment that the doctor at the emergency room only gave me 5 hydrocodone 7.5 mg and not 20 at least, cause 2 of those would be even better!!

Anyway, back to my original point if you're still reading (which I would be very surprised if you made it this far).

A couple years back when I was a wee lad... I wanna say I was about 22 at the time? I was into MDMA and I was thief. So little old me knew my brother had 40 blue pills of MDMA in his closet somewhere.... And I accidentally found them. Accidentally took a couple and then proceeded to do the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Rail a PILE of blue powder that was built up in the bottom of the bag... An amount that I thought was a decent bit, but turned out to be enough to probably kill me and I don't know how I survived.

At first, the burn made me regret life. I felt like I just snorted a pile of fire ants. Ive never sniffed anything like that and not only did I sniff it, it was a PILE of pure blue goodness. That burn was just the least of my worries though. I walk up to my room to chill and play video games and listen to music. At first my eyes were just a bit goofy and I felt good, despite the very noticeable fire in my nostrils that I'll never forget...

I felt like I didn't do enough, it took a while... But then all of the sudden, I started to not like where it was going. And boom, my eyes are uncontrollabe, I'm shivering and shaking, maybe a seizure but I was conscious, so not a grand mal seizure. I've had one of those from tramadol abuse and that just made me collapse. This felt.... Scary. I felt doom immediately. I knew this wasn't just a panic attack, I have a panic disorder And PTSD, this is somehow worse than any panic attack I ever had.

I should have gone and woke up my mom, because it was getting worse.

I can't control my eyes and the brief glimpses of the shape shifting letters on my phone are getting harder to see. So I go to Google. Oh wait no I don't, I forgot how to get there... Wait, why did I want on Google? Oh wait what is happening, I gotta get on Google

I gotta Uhhh gotta What issssss

And just getting worse and worse. I've taken copious amounts of ambien at once and even that didn't compare to the confusion I started experiencing.

I have no clue how long this was happening, but it felt like it was getting worse.

Wait what did I do? Where's my phone? Oh in my hand Oh Google And uhhhh

Can't type. This lasts forever as I finally get to Google And try to type.

What r What

On and on, can't type, can't do anything properly, more tremors, hot, cold. Eyes still not under my control anymore

So I have no clue how long I tried to Google "symptoms of MDMA overdose" or "serotonin syndrome" because I was confused, but somehow knew that I was definitely overdosing. At least I thought.

And to this day, I have no clue how I survived that night. It was beyond scary. The confusion was terrifying. Having a thought ripped in half every half a second and then forgetting how to think then remembering what I did.

Did I do too much? Too much what? Oh my nose burns

Google what are

Forever.

I don't know how I lives through that night, but God was definitely looking over me, absolutely the stupidest shit I ever did. The very definition of "you can take more, but never less".

So I got a question, did this experience sound like I was experiencing serotonin syndrome? And if so, how the fuck did I survive? I am not exaggerating when I say a pile of blue powder in one big whiff.

I was young, I didn't know what a modest amount was, nor did I truly realize the danger.

Also, coulda been mixed with fucking meth for all I know.

But ya, did that sound like serotonin syndrome and how lucky am I that I didn't die that night?

Thanks for reading, I know it's a lot of word soup.