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MDMA roll, solo night pleasure & addiction
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I move my post from r/MDMA because it was not the correct place as I was shamed for my practices

Hi guys,

I'm man of 33 years of age by now. I've first experienced MDMA in 2014 during techno parties, the first time was the best night of my life, I was with experienced friends, everything went fine. I took like less than 6 pills in the year and I had to stop because my life was messed up. I've quit parties to finish my IT studies and get my shit together.

Everything was fine until summer 2019 where I took MDMA (under form of a pill so Idk about the dosage) in a techno party. Was the best night of my life. I decided to buy a stock and I've read on reddit about chemsex, I've found a partner and experienced some pegging & kinky sex. It was insane. I've read a ton of stories of r/SEXONDRUGS and it motivates me a lot to experience MDMA & sex.

Since 2019, I'm not taking MDMA in parties again because I really want to preserve it for sex. Since summer 2019, I've taking MDMA one time a month, sometimes I have the courage to wait 2 month but it's rare. I did hard dosage like 2 pills in one time due to tolerance but now I'm trying to reduce to one pill a night. I did a lot of solo night roll where I watch pegging & femdom porn, where I pleasuring myself using dildo and that kind of stuff.

Sober ? I don't do that, I don't have enough pleasure to do that and I'm not enough excited but I was before when I was younger and when I did not take so much mdma.

I think MDMA ruined this part of my sexual life, like having anal as a receiver. But I don't mind that much because it was hard to find female partner to do pegging.

The point is I don't know if I'm addicted or whatever but sometimes, when it's been a month or 2 month since a roll, I become obsessed by taking XTC, like some nights I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking at the time where I can take ecstasy. It becomes my first priority and I cancel everything to have my night roll. Once I do that, I feel free of mdma for 1 month sometimes 2 and it repeats itself again and again. It's been like that since summer 2019 and I can't definitely stop. I've tried to see one medical specialist one day but his plan was not that good and even with the medecine she gaves me, I can't stop the process. I may consult another specialist in the near future.

The schema is the same, after 1 or 2 month of a solo night roll, I have some pulsion that I can't even control, like I really want to take the pill. I can't think of other things until I take it. I become really stressed and I can't sleep easily. I become nervous until I have the opportunity to take it. I did it solo a lot of time. Once I've take it I feel disgusted by the mdma for 1 or 2 months but then I'm getting attracted. It's crazy.

Years passed and now it's sometimes not even a good night (lame), like I don't have that much feeling pleasure that I had before, I'm not even really high & hyped when I roll, it's more like a big stress, I have to poop because I'm so stressed about taking pills.

I don't know how to stop it because I don't want that the substance is fucking up my long term health. I don't feel that it harms me a lot to be honest but I know that the rule of 3 months is not respected here. The come down are not that strong, I just feel really irritated the next following week and a little bit more sad but after that it disappears and come back to normal.

Do you have any idea of what's happening to me ? I know there is not a lot of studies but do we know about the lifetime harms it can cause to me with that kind of cycles ?

Thanks

TLTR : Every 1 months since 2019 I'm rolling motsly solo to do anal sex with 1 or 2 mdma pills and I want to stop it

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11 months ago