Over the past couple of months, my depression has been at its worst. I was aware of it but didn’t fully realize how severe my social anxiety had become. To cope, I’ve been experimenting with different substances, mainly as a way to deal with my porn addiction and its impact on my daily life.

Yesterday, I decided to take pure MDMA that I had stored for a couple of months. I measured 130mg, put it in a capsule, and took it on a full stomach (about 1.5–2 hours after eating a large meal). Within minutes, my heart started racing, and I felt anxious, wondering if it was meth instead of MDMA. After an hour, I began to feel sleepy yet euphoric—almost like a DMT trip—and realized it was indeed MDMA.

For about four hours, I experienced a “roll” before coming down while vaping THC. During the trip, I gained unexpected insights about my anxiety and mental health. I noticed how much more anxious I’ve been lately, how I’ve become irritable with friends, and how hesitant I’ve felt about video-calling my family back home (I moved to the U.S. 1.5 years ago, leaving them behind).

I also recognized that porn and masturbation had become my primary coping mechanisms. Over time, the type of porn I consumed became increasingly extreme—in my case, focused on themes of humiliation and degradation.

After the trip, I slept deeply for 8–9 hours and woke up still processing everything. Although I’ve used LSD, mushrooms, and DMT before, no psychedelic trip has ever revealed this much about my mental health. Now I just need to understand what's the underlying reason behind my anxiety and porn addiction.